Tough Times

It has been forever and it has been a lifetime all at the same time. I last wrote in August when we were on vacation, N was in a program and we were pending a court date for the babies. So much and yet so little is tough to admit.

We went to court and I was awarded temporary custody of Baby Minnow. The parents were mad and said downright awful things. I sent their comments to my lawyer so he could see them. We had another pre trial date set we were supposed to work out details, they were told just agree by their lawyers as they already had supervision til May 2022 so no one was going to give them custody. I tried to encourage them to take steps like budgeting, living in their means and nope nothing changed nothing worked. We go to pretrial and they insisted they would fight me on everything. My lawyer said push and push the idea is to expose well in advance of our next court date in March. Yep March 2022. I hate living like this but if we have to we have to.

Meanwhile N was doing her very best to get kicked out of the program at the YWCA. She refused to follow rules, refused to keep her room clean, had maggots twice, refused hygiene, refused to go to school. Told anyone who would listen its all my fault and she has no idea what love is. Honey love is me not dragging my exhausted and spent arse to the court to undo your adoption that is love straight up. She violated again and again was detained and it doesn’t matter because court does nothing. It would turn out later that N had been lying straight up to her lawyer so he had no clue about her reality. Well he does now and he is peeved. Meanwhile I have spent my savings on housing her and literally went into debt. I told her I had no more money and she would have to move back home, she threatened me over and over to many folks and so her worker brought her to DSS to have her register as homeless youth. No she isn’t really but her repeated threats to “beat the shit out of you” if she had to move back moved me to a place of emotional numbness about all this. She currently lives in a homeless shelter. She seems happy no requirements really, I bring her to and from school and food is provided. The shelter is literally walking distance from my job so its tedious but not impossible. It breaks my heart that this is her choice but no point in arguing I just have to support. Yes the state could have come after me for child support but when we went to fill out the paperwork they said nope this is ridiculous and closed that portion of her case thankfully for me.

M2 has been trying every nerve I have ever had. She has been bold, suspended, reckless and yikes is all I can say. So many tears on my part with this one. So many calls to the school about you keep suspending her but your job is to educate so how can we get her to learn if all infractions lead to suspension? So many meetings, so many tears so much frustration. Things leveled out a bit but then she decided to go and have unprotected sex with a friend when I was out in the car putting the kids in their car seats. I put the kids in and waited a bit they didn’t come out. I take the kids out of the car seats walk back into the house and see them. Big time disappointed in her big time especially since I had clearly stated that if you were going to think about doing this lets get you on birth control. Dang its a good thing I love this kid. So now we pray she is not pregnant as the father and his family are awful and already said to me if she is pregnant then it is my problem not theirs. Wonderful just wonderful.

Yes I am in counseling and taking medications. Yes I am doing some self care. I am in a production called Santa’s Magical Express so for a few hours a week from now till Christmas I can pretend none of this is happening. I was also promoted at work after being passed over several times so that is definitely good for me as well. I cantor for my church and pray A LOT both inside and outside of church.

So it is a hot mess right now. I am not sure where it will go. I keep reaching out and accepting help so that in the end we can have some successes.

5 thoughts on “Tough Times

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  1. So glad you are back and posting. I was worried about you. After reading your post I am still worried but I know you can do this. There isn’t a mama bear as tough as you are anywhere. It may not feel like it but you are doing an excellent job. Hugs

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