Autopilot Mode

I looked at my therapist yesterday and said “Every morning I wake up I am angry because I woke up.” Yes then I burst into tears because I hated myself for saying that out loud and because it was the truth. No I am not suicidal, yes it is depression. When you live in “resigned acceptance” sometimes, well all right a lot of times, it is super hard not to be really depressed.

M2 is struggling in her new school. It is a good school for her but she is fighting her need to be there. She is acting out and showing her colors to folks which is not helping. She has remorse when she acts out but the fact remains, she acts out. The school is working with her and her care team is working with her to make her more successful. Now we have to get M2 on board to embrace being successful. There is a lot of screaming and verbally abusive times directed at me. I can tell you I know it is not personal but let me tell you how often it feels like she really does hate me. Her mouth, lorsh her mouth is awful at times. Yesterday she told me we had a toxic family, I was clueless and that I only said I love you because I was supposed to…sigh….I reminded her the phone can go off early if you can’t get your stuff together. I hate threatening that but I also hate being sworn at so there is that.

N is still in a hotel because we can’t get anything moving. I was told there was an opening coming and to reach out to a specific person. I reached out twice no response. I know there are emergencies but I am super tired of having to pay this much money for someone who does not give a crap about me. I hate that I feel this way at times but other times honestly I do not. I think the overwhelming feeling of failure I have when it comes to my parenting her just makes me feel worse so if she were going on a better path it might help. She has abilities but her mental health interferes every time and she REFUSES to manage her mental health. It gets super frustrating. She continues to binge if I bring her more than 3 days worth of food or throw things out so I told her we are done. She gets 3 days she eats it all in advance oh well, yes I did contact her team to let her know. I also write out the “menu” and take photos of the food and “menu” and send it to her team so everyone knows.

M1 continues to frustrate the crud out of me. They got the petition I filed for custody of Baby Minnow. They started yelling and swearing like a disgusting amount. I took screenshots and downloaded them and sent them to my lawyer. I am done with this game and we have been playing this game since December. You can tell me any BS you want but when you tell me you have almost graduated from Anger Management class and then you call a DSS worker a “c** su**” in fit of rage gonna guess you learned nothing. We head to court again in two weeks and I just can’t care anymore. There will no doubt have another round of not squat. The latest BS is that they can’t accept the plea to neglect because it will impact his ability to join the military. Umm no you are overweight, you have no motivation, you can’t pass a background check due to criminal charges that is why you are not in the military. As for M1 well she already has 3 indicated child abuse charges so she is not going to be a pediatric nurse anywhere.

The babies are doing well overall I must admit. They are talking more and getting bigger by the moment. I try to keep my senses when their parents are around and NEVER ever talk badly of them when the kids are around.

I also sing every week at church at this point. I am the cantor and a few people have mentioned they appreciate my doing that. When I am in a good space I think they like my voice, when I am in a bad space it is because no one else wants to do it. Yep welcome to the lows of a depressive episode. Yes I am taking meds and making sure to work with folks to get through it one day at a time. But I would be lying if I did not say it was super hard some days.

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