I have never been a huge fan of Christmas. I love the lights and the tree and giving gifts but that is about all. I struggle with the holidays even more now as an adult and my kids have their own challenges. I survived today but will keep the post focused on my struggle instead of all the individual challenges.
The natural mixture of M1 and anyone in this home is toxic. The good news is that N seems to have risen above some of it but M2 nope. There were several fights between the two of them and honestly they shared the weight of starting it. They started last night at the end of church and continued today. I tried talking to M2 as she is the one who more quickly accelerates the fighting it did not work. I became the brunt of the nasty comments and just grew tired of it. I can’t talk to M1 because it goes instant nasty and then boytoy jumps in like he can affect change….ummm no. It gets old for me to remind M2 that the choices M1 makes when parenting her kids is her choice and as long as there is no danger or no one is getting hurt she must stay out of it. Ugg I hate it and I hate having to not correct every blessed thing she does and how she is not tuned into her kids. M1 barks orders at boytoy and he just takes it, that part really hurts me he loves her and she….well I am not sure she values him in the same way.
The babies were all stressed out as well. Poor Baby K is just now understanding that she has 2 homes and she alternates between being super happy and tantrumming like a typical 2 year old. Her Mom has no patience for it and yells at her. I do correct that behavior though, being honest because it breaks my heart. Unfortunately, both girls wanted their father more than their mother and M1 repeated over and over how wronged she was. I had to walk away so many times so I would not be rude or abrupt with her. I know I am sarcastic and can cut grown folks down with my tongue so I held it instead. It gets tiring though and when Baby S comes toddling to me with arms up and shrieks when Mom picks her up it does hurt me as I did not want her to be rejected like she rejected me. Yes there are differences but I do get that degree of pain but don’t know if she actually feels it.
The dinner was good, although I am biased as the cook. We met online with my brothers, sister and parents and had a good visit. It is hard to see how close the three of them are and no I am not really tight with them. Yes of course they love me and I love them but my life is so different than theirs they cannot relate. They also don’t understand the dynamics of balancing birth families with adoptive families. They don’t get the hurt feelings and oh yeah none of them are Grandparents yet…sigh tough being oldest LOL. My parents are really good and lately so much more supportive. They did ask what I wanted for Christmas and though typically I don’t really want anything but this year I did. Well I actually remembered something I have wanted for a long time. It is called a Christmas Pyramid and if you have a German heritage then you are familiar potentially.
I have always wanted one but when you have a houseful of kids and yes those are real candles then it is not always a good mix. I did ask this year though because I truly wanted one. I gave my parents several options of the ones I liked in different price ranges. I told them I loved them all but truth be told I did love this one the best. I am pretty sure my parents knew this, well my Mom probably as we have similar tastes in things. I sat for a good long time looking at it spinning with the candles burning. The candles are now almost burned out so I will have to order new ones but still I so very much loved this. If you cannot tell, the bottom is the Nativity with Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus, the wise men and the animals. The middle is the shepherds complete with sheep. The top are the angels. The heat from the candles makes it spin around and even my kids were impressed. I think I read somewhere that it was a precursor to Christmas trees but not sure if that is real or something I found on the internet. Actually this was the first present. My Dad called after the Teams Family meeting and told me that he was renewing my subscription to Disney +. Yes I am a really big Disney fan so this is also perfect and my parents laugh as they do not understand it but they have come to terms with it LOL.
So it was super hard to get through but we did it. There was only minimal crying on my part and tons of crying by the babies…sigh…oh well it is over now. Baby K is asleep and Baby S is next to me on the couch but if I move her she wakes up screaming….oh boy another long night for the books, oh well at least tomorrow is Saturday.