I am on the brink of having a catastrophic meltdown on my own. I am so enraged that I have to sit quietly because I am also in so far over my head I need a break for real.
I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. I spent all last week battling a fever and trying to keep a house together and everyone well. I took one day off, Tuesday and screwed myself over royally. On Thursday M1 told us that she was COVID tested, who cares, never know truth anyway but to be safe I kept away from her. Tuesday, county health called, confirmed M1 was positive and that since she had Baby S two days before now I have to watch the Baby at my home and keep everyone spaced from her. Trapped at home with 2 infants, and 2 teens with challenges and one Mom off her game.
I spent Tuesday raging at CPS, DSS and then ultimately M1. M2 found out I told her friends they can’t come over and the rage turned against me. I blocked M1 and boytoy on social media, leave me the freak alone the mess you made you cannot fix now and I am sorry will not cover it. I hated like it was my life, I hated on my situation, my lack of choices and everything I could possibly hate on. I told them Baby S was going back and I was done, they told me putting her in harms way I told them figure it the freak out. I had no rights, no legal agreement and if they weren’t doing a removal then screw them it wasn’t that bad. I lashed out at almost everyone who talked to me that day and then only calmed my sorry butt down when it dawned on me that my boss was calling.
No Baby S did not go home, I wanted her to. I am tired of them having no real consequences for their actions. They call and play and spoil then don’t do jack crap to get their kids back. I was so far beyond done I had no idea. Unfortunately, when they couldn’t get through me they started with M2 and talking to her on social media. I ended up telling them to hang the f**** up or so help me heaven I was going to get a no contact order. They got M2 raging against me again and of course both babies crying. I told them leave me the hell alone until Friday or they will be served with a no contact order on Friday afternoon. M1 can count on one hand the time I used MF in a sentence but today was that day. No not proud but so far beyond done.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, I am grateful for my family and that we are all relatively healthy at this point. I am extremely grateful that they will not be coming over tomorrow as well. It will be me, my 2, my grandkids and maybe my BFF. I am happy to cook and told them they had better not call me or bother me until after 3pm when they will have 1 short phone call with the kids. On Monday I will be calling CPS for a meeting because this BS of safety plan can go out the window. Safety plan means I have all the responsibilities and they have no time lines or jack crap to do in a timely fashion. I pay the daycare differential, they do not. They have full government benefits for a family of four when I have two of them. They provide me with nothing but grief and I am done. I will be spelling it out though in writing first to be sure that I am clear and coherent even though inside I am a non fun ball of rage.
My counselor was right, if I don’t stop letting them treat me like a doormat then they will. I have to stop doormatting and I will do it slowly and surely because this has to end and real consequences need to happen.