Deep Conversations

M2 and I sat on a bench this past weekend when out taking photos of the foliage. We sat for a bit not really talking and then she said:

“Mommy can I ask you something that might make you mad?”

I told her yes and I would do my best to not be mad or rude in my response.

She took a deep breath and said: “Mommy what would happen if I told you I wanted to be trans?”

I held my breath for a moment. I am not sure what to say exactly but I realize this is a conversation I can’t afford to blow so I have to choose my words carefully. I reply “Well just to be clear when you say you want to be trans did you mean that you feel like maybe you wanted to be a boy instead of a girl and that you were thinking that maybe at some point you would want to make some changes to your body that would make you a boy?” M2 confirmed this is what she meant. Oh boy…I was prepared for the “I am gay” conversation but not this one.

I take another minute and replied to her “Well that would be a really, really big decision so we would have to look into it very carefully to see what would be involved. We would have to decide what you wanted to do specifically and how you would go about doing it. You would also have to wait til you are just a bit older as I am pretty sure you have to be an adult to make some of these decisions for yourself and I don’t want to make them for you because it is your choice.”

M2 nodded her head, and I prayed that it didn’t sound like I was blowing her off or discrediting what she was saying. She then asked me “Well would you still love me?” In that moment my heart broke. I grabbed her tight and said “Sweetheart my love for you is not about what you look like, if you are a boy or girl or even what music you like. My love for you is because you are my kid regardless and no that will never ever change.” She nodded again and relayed stories about how some parents got rid of their kids, tossed them out of the house or stopped talking to their kids if they revealed they wanted to be transgendered.

Yes I know but how do you answer that one? I get it parents are scared, parents have their own ideas, parents have their own issues. I can’t speak poorly of them as I am not them but what do you say to it? I told M2 I did know that did happen sometimes and that it hurt my heart that it happened but that I did not in fact feel that way so that would never be our issue. M2 hugged me back and said “So if I still feel this way in a few years we can talk about it?” I assured her we could talk about it at any time.

So I am not sure if this is a real thing for my kiddo or not. I know she watches videos on YouTube so that might be the source. I know that I really don’t know what it is like to feel that way, that you were born into a wrong body. Unfortunately I also don’t know what could happen to M2 if this was her issue. I am afraid for her if this is her feeling. I fear for her safety and well being. I want her to be who she really is, even if that does mean she is actually a he.

Wow this parenting thing is tough.

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