Thoughts on Failing

“Some other folks might be a little bit smarter than I am. Bigger and stronger too, maybe. But none of them will ever love you the way I do, it’s me and you…..” (You’ve Got A Friend in Me by Randy Newman)

Wow this summer has been a challenge. I think the trapped in the house has taken its toll on all of us. I was grateful that M2 had summer school to interact with folks. N on the other hand has been belligerent and angry most of the time. Thankfully, her services have resumed and so I get a break from her hatred a few hours every week. Thank you so much respite workers I deeply appreciate you.

On Wednesday it was particularly awful because both girls went off at the same time. Now understand I barely clear five feet tall and both my kids are much taller than me, thankfully not stronger. They raged against me and each other so I quickly grabbed Baby Shark and took her outside to avoid the chaos. I also thought they would not follow me outside screaming, turns out I was wrong. Good part was that N called her worker during her raging and the worker got to hear first hand what it sounded like. I think the worker may have been scarred for life, yes being serious.

Anyway today was a bit better and M2 has gotten back on track in terms of doing what she needs to and helping out. At first today N was a piece of work, and not in a good way, but then the worker she called during the melt down came and took her for a few hours and she came back in a much better space. I am so freaking grateful I thanked her about 4 times.

So it was nice today weather wise and not roasting so after day care (yes it is finally open), M2, Baby Shark and I went for a walk. M2 had a lot of fun biking and Baby Shark had fun chasing squirrels. I might have to break up her bond with the dog over this LOL.

Baby Shark chased this squirrel up a tree and then waved good bye as we continued walking.

We really didn’t talk about much really just got outside and enjoyed the less humid air. The place we go is called The Crossings and it has a lot of paths to walk and ride on. There is also a big pond that the ducks and fish star in. The fish are sooo freaking big they look like GIANT goldfish but most likely they are just really big coy fish.

Baby Shark loves ducks and tried to get close to them Unfortunately these duck can be nasty so we had to keep a distance for safety.

Breaks like this are good for all of us. The stress we are all under is crazy and day after day I feel like I am failing at raising them all. Yes I know I am doing my best but as many parents understand the feeling of failure when face with negative after negative. I try to contain my anger and frustration and yes telemed my therapist every two weeks. I hate living like this, I hate feeling like this and I can’t imagine my kids feel any better.

On top of all of this I have to do my work. I am doing most of my work from my home and sometimes I can go to the office. The rule is that there must be a 23 or higher there for me to go into work. I am an 18 (as are others) and we apparently cannot be left to our own devices. Add on the additional stressors that I was reassigned to work the P-EBT benefits mail box. I spent three hours in courses and then was released to the mail box. I get some coaching and we have a “life line” when we get questions we struggle to answer. Yes overall a decent experience but it angers me that I was pulled without my consent onto a project I never wanted to be part of. I know it is needed and people need the help but the behind the scenes data base cross checking before answering is tiring.

My sister called me about her work drudgery. She was going on about how she had to give up some of her staff for what she considered “lesser work” Now my sister is a high tech person who deploys computer interface systems for a medical center. She is super smart and very successful at what she does. Inadvertently, she said to me “I hate giving up staff to do menial work, like you do, you know the administrative stuff….” OK we both have Master’s degrees I am no less educated then she is. Yes you know a crap load more about computers and networks but without this “menial stuff” you wouldn’t get paid so try to remember that fact. I hated myself for being angry with her but apparently my depression is getting the better of me lately.

The last not fun part of this summer has been the incredible amount of pain I have been in. Currently I have a sinus infection and will have to get x-rays on Monday to ensure the bacteria are actually killed this time. On Wednesday I have to go to the orthopedic doctor. I know what will be said as he already warned me “the pain will get worse, you will lose functionality of the knee and then we will do surgery.” So that is where we are right now. My knee cannot straighten and the pain at night before I sleep is so much so it can bring tears to my eyes. The good part is that if we do the surgery sooner rather than later I am still working from home so I will not have to charge that much time.

I think I just need to pull up my big girl pants and march on. In between the fuss and the mess yes I do love them all.

Image fron TeePublic

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