Too Old and Too Tired

Wow it has been a few rough days. I feel like my head is spinning and all I want to do is sleep. I know though that sleep won’t help it is an emotional tired that sleep doesn’t fix. I started crying about 20 minutes after waking up this morning and the only thing going through my mind is “I am done I don’t want to adult anymore.”

Yesterday I found out that the “graduation party” that M1 and boytoy were going to was actually at the predator’s house. Yep 2 infant girls to a known sex offenders house. The reason she ended up having to leave was because the Grandparents didn’t want her there. They were screaming that Baby K was predator’s kid and not boytoy. New flash it is a possibility because she did have relations with both of them around the same time.

When they dropped Baby K off they were yelling in the driveway. M1 was raging at him over a drink. Baby K came over to me and buried her head in my arms. I loved on her and then dealt with the two yahoos. They hung out for a few hours as I tried to get them out of the house so we could go swimming. During that time N decided that she was done listening to me and started tantrumming because she did not want to go swimming. I said fine and went outside.

Apparently during that time M1 told the girls that if my BFF did anything to them they were to attack her. She told them that my BFF was an abuser and that since I “never do anything to help them out” they should fight for themselves. Well truth is M2 knows this is bull and called her out on it for N well it was food for the fire of rage. I got home and found out that she had taken 3 packets of jello, 2 hot chocolates and the baking chocolates and ate them all. I confront her about it and she says “I was hungry” I said well then why not cut up the watermelon that was on the counter instead of digging through unlocked cabinets?”

OK that was the wrong thing to say and the rage started. She yelled and screamed for 2 hours about what a piece of crap I am and how I am making her life miserable and how awful I treated M1. I say almost nothing when she rages because when she is in this mode, words are useless you need to let her burn herself out. My emotions are all over the place and it was HARD to keep them in check and not lash out myself. I did though and eventually she burned herself out and started talking about herself.

She told me many things from her life some of which I knew and some new stuff. She told me heartbreaking things and uttered statements like “No one cares when a little girl cries.” My heart broke for her pain but I could not hug her as she is also volatile and has attacked me in similar situations. I validated all her feelings and repeated over and over that it was not her fault. The next 2 hours were sooooo emotionally draining I get why therapy sessions are an hour. Eventually she stopped talking and asked me t sit next to her and so I did. She laid in my lap for about 30 minutes when I told her I was about to collapse from lack of sleep (it was 1:30am).

This morning “A” texted me asking what is going on with M1 and boytoy. I tell her I don’t know and she says that M1 texted her at 3:27am and it said 911. I would guess they are fighting again but who knows and if I say anything she will blame “A” as I knew nothing at all. I felt bad for “A” and said next time call 911 and not to dwell on it anymore. Later she texted me again and said M1 was telling her that M1 had strep and COVID so could she take Baby S for awhile. “A” said no and I assured her that neither was true. I reminded her that M1 was supposed to be going to work but was playing sick to avoid it.

The good news is that N seems to have calmed down a bit and was all right today. I am so exhausted I want to cry and really want to quit but know darn well I can’t. Let me tell you parenting sucks at times and if you see me on the couch crying, just pass the tissues and try to distract me with Disney.

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