OK so to all the other Moms out there trying to balance kids, work and maintaining your sanity how are you balancing it? I am about to fall apart at the seams. My night time crying has turned to intermittent day time crying and no it is not pretty. I am completely overwhelmed and yes I am talking to my therapist to keep it all together for the long term.
I try to count my blessings. I can work from home and have a job. I am not sick nor is anyone in my family. I have enough money and basic supplies that nothing major is needed. I have friends and family who love me. I try to refocus my attention there but lately it is just too hard to remember and not just give up, even though I know I cannot do that.
Today N raged at me and assaulted me because I told her to do her schoolwork. The rage was because I ask her to do it upstairs and today I had the audacity to also demand she help with Baby K while I was working. She initially shoved me out of the way and later on that evening threw a thermos at me striking me hard. I got it on video because I knew that she was escalating and wanted to get proof how bad it was when services are not available to parents for children with mental health issues. Nope I get nothing at all since there are no face to face services due to COVID-19.
I sent the video to her providers so they know what is happening. I told them not to mention it to her because it would only cause things to be worse but I wanted them to understand what is happening. Right now I have calmed her down enough that I am not in danger of being assaulted again or screamed at and threatened. Yes she is taking her meds. I am tired and so fried that more and more often I think to myself I regret adopting her. I know I know it is an awful thing to say and I am sorry I feel this way but I truly do right now and yes I will get past it. No of course I will never ever say that out loud.
On top of that of course M1 is causing issues. She called A today and told her boytoy kicked her into the street and she will have to sleep on a bench in the rain. No he did not it is all lies and thankfully A is calling me when this crap happens so I can calm her down. She texted me and asked me to take Baby S overnight I told her no I was overwhelmed and could not do any more than what I was already doing. I suggested she look into teleconferencing for counseling for her and boytoy. I suggested she ask a friend if she could spend a night or two there and she said she has no friends that would let her do that. Well no I imagine not because she has stolen from anyone she lived with even for a few hours. She told me she would take N for the day and help her with her work. N would be abused to crap and back again if I let that happen. M2 won’t go anywhere near her house anymore because of the episodes last time she was there. I am aggravated enough to just send N over but no N doesn’t deserve the abuse. Plus both boytoy and M1 would gang up on her and the fall out would be even worse then things are now.
I know I need to dry my tears, put on my big girl pants and keep plowing through things. It is so hard though and I know I am not the only one stressed out like this. I have to try to refocus and of course keep my appointment via phone with my counselor tomorrow. I don’t want to watch this year anymore can we fast forward to get out of this mess?