Please Fast Forward

OK so to all the other Moms out there trying to balance kids, work and maintaining your sanity how are you balancing it? I am about to fall apart at the seams. My night time crying has turned to intermittent day time crying and no it is not pretty. I am completely overwhelmed and yes I am talking to my therapist to keep it all together for the long term.

I try to count my blessings. I can work from home and have a job. I am not sick nor is anyone in my family. I have enough money and basic supplies that nothing major is needed. I have friends and family who love me. I try to refocus my attention there but lately it is just too hard to remember and not just give up, even though I know I cannot do that.

Today N raged at me and assaulted me because I told her to do her schoolwork. The rage was because I ask her to do it upstairs and today I had the audacity to also demand she help with Baby K while I was working. She initially shoved me out of the way and later on that evening threw a thermos at me striking me hard. I got it on video because I knew that she was escalating and wanted to get proof how bad it was when services are not available to parents for children with mental health issues. Nope I get nothing at all since there are no face to face services due to COVID-19.

I sent the video to her providers so they know what is happening. I told them not to mention it to her because it would only cause things to be worse but I wanted them to understand what is happening. Right now I have calmed her down enough that I am not in danger of being assaulted again or screamed at and threatened. Yes she is taking her meds. I am tired and so fried that more and more often I think to myself I regret adopting her. I know I know it is an awful thing to say and I am sorry I feel this way but I truly do right now and yes I will get past it. No of course I will never ever say that out loud.

On top of that of course M1 is causing issues. She called A today and told her boytoy kicked her into the street and she will have to sleep on a bench in the rain. No he did not it is all lies and thankfully A is calling me when this crap happens so I can calm her down. She texted me and asked me to take Baby S overnight I told her no I was overwhelmed and could not do any more than what I was already doing. I suggested she look into teleconferencing for counseling for her and boytoy. I suggested she ask a friend if she could spend a night or two there and she said she has no friends that would let her do that. Well no I imagine not because she has stolen from anyone she lived with even for a few hours. She told me she would take N for the day and help her with her work. N would be abused to crap and back again if I let that happen. M2 won’t go anywhere near her house anymore because of the episodes last time she was there. I am aggravated enough to just send N over but no N doesn’t deserve the abuse. Plus both boytoy and M1 would gang up on her and the fall out would be even worse then things are now.

I know I need to dry my tears, put on my big girl pants and keep plowing through things. It is so hard though and I know I am not the only one stressed out like this. I have to try to refocus and of course keep my appointment via phone with my counselor tomorrow. I don’t want to watch this year anymore can we fast forward to get out of this mess?

4 thoughts on “Please Fast Forward

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  1. Just wanted to let you know that I am reading your posts and hoping it all gets better soon.
    Don’t have anything else to offer other than virtual hugs xx

  2. Oh friend, I’m so sorry. You are not alone, even if it feels like it. This is so difficult and there are so few options for help, distancing (miss than just social). You are doing amazing under the strain. Keep standing your ground with M1 and documenting with N. May your home find peace.

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