Sometimes existing is hard

I think the hardest part of the last few weeks is knowing on an internal level that M1 is not going to get herself together. At this point she has alienated my parents and siblings, they all want to be cruel to her. She has lost both children to friends/family. Its not that it is not deserved but then again she is my child. I know I taught her differently but she can make her own choices at this point and regrettably most of them are poor.

It’s crazy when
The thing you love the most is the detriment
Let that sink in
You can think again
When the hand you wanna hold is a weapon and
You’re nothin’ but skin
– Halsey “Graveyard”

I love Halsey’s voice and this particular song verse keeps sticking with me this week. I love M1 I really do but her choices are killing me slowly. I try to put some space between us but then there is social media where she blows me up or worse, when she tells people we know what an awful person I am. Yes seriously, she told A this week that she “was supposed to have Baby K back by December but that didn’t happen”. Umm no it didn’t happen because even though I have told you three times how to make it happen you have refused to do it. She then yelled at me “Well with this CPS mess I most likely won’t get her back.” OK its possible but still none of this is my fault. If I did not have Baby K right now she would be in foster care soooooooo there is that.

I will be honest some days it is hard to not be resentful. M1 and boytoy have no idea how much pain they are causing, me, M2 and A. I am not sure they can fathom it they are both so deluded. Supposedly on Monday both are scheduled for psych evals. M1 has already told everyone “they can’t make me go to counseling and they can’t make me take meds. It is against the law.” Well so is child abuse sooo good luck with that I suppose. Boytoy is also convinced that the Navy will not find out about his threatening to kill himself. He was all full of bravado telling folks that CPS can’t come on a military base or “they will get shot in the head.” Umm no that is not how it works but anyway have a good day.

I hurt in ways I didn’t know I could hurt. Now my family and friends are all super supportive. Everyone has offered to pitch in and help and I have taken many of them on their offers. I have reached out to resources and made sure to accept help when offered. So even though it is exhausting and most days my head just aches, I am managing. So much of the time I just want to quit it seems for no purpose at all. No matter how much I do I will still have to hear her trash talking me and blaming me. Yes intellectually I get that it is not all about me but emotionally I must confess at times I am really very hurt. It feels like it is aimed at me and that part sucks.

Now don’t get me too wrong, I never deluded myself that life with M1 out of the house would be simple, I mean that is impossible I have two teenagers living with me who have disabilities and will require long term care. I did not however think I would have to get up every three hours to feed and change an infant for the last fifteen months. I did not think I would have to teach someone to eat, walk, drink and dress themselves again. I did think I would have to do it on less then 3 hours of sleep at a clip. I did not think any of this and yet so it is. I spend way too much time crying I think but can’t take any more meds and still function at work and home. Yes of course I am in counseling and each tear filled session helps the darkness from becoming unmanageable.

So many folks ask how I do it and I have to be honest, I am not sure. I spend almost every minute of every day moving and going so I don’t have time to think. I spend 50 minutes every two weeks thinking but don’t dare give it more than that. I rely on family and friends heavily and try hard not to hate myself for having to do it to survive. I also spend a few hours each week praying for strength and wisdom. I spend a few hours a week crying because, well that just happens from a combination of exhaustion and depression.

Yes I love all of them but I can no longer support some of the choices they are making. I can’t support M1 and boytoy’s life choices and despite the fact I am stuck living with them, well I don’t like it one bit. The other two are making very typical teenage mistakes and missteps. They struggle with the usual angst that many adopted teens face and add in of course a limited ability to explain their emotions sooo it makes it interesting. As for the grandbabies, well they just cost me sleep and I suppose at some point, you know like next year, I will actually sleep through the entire night without interruption.

One thought on “Sometimes existing is hard

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  1. Your ability to juggle all of this astounds me! I’m sorry that it is so challenging. I hope that you get some downtime over the holidays.

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