Wow this is like a bad spin cycle that just won’t end. Yesterday for the first time in 13 years, I actually told the kids we were not trick or treating and that their behavior was the reason why. M2 cried and screamed at me, N cried but knew she had messed up pretty badly. The baby, well she got a new ball that lights up when she hits it so her Halloween was not a complete loss.
We shall start at the top. My oldest puts on Facebook she has been in the hospital since Thursday. My family reads it and looses their minds, why did I not tell them. Well I did not tell them because it was not the truth. She was in the hospital on Thursday, released on Friday and has been home the entire time. Not sure why she posted it but feel free to reach out to her and confirm my information. She tells everyone she has pre-eclampsia but when she talks to me she cannot answer questions like, well why aren’t you still being monitored for such a serious medical condition? Whatever I am not getting too much into it. She did post she is moving in two weeks, not sure where she got the money but I don’t want to know either. I don’t want to be liable in the event it was not attained legally.
N has decided she is not taking her meds anymore. Now yes I can force her to but reality is that she is almost 18 and at some point she will have a say. She has refused to get out of bed every day this week without me yelling at her and gotten written up twice once for stealing and once for mouthing off. When I asked if she likes feeling the way she does right now she will say no and understands that taking meds will help but still doesn’t want to take the meds. I had a very honest conversation with her about medications and explained how I often feel the same way but asked her how would she feel if every day I could not get out of bed or if I was always crying. She said she would feel bad because she would want to do something to stop it. I said “exactly how I feel when I look at you now. I want to help but know you have to decide for yourself if it is worth it. I dont’ want to make people feel sad or helpless so I take my meds even when I don’t want to.” Now will it work….who the heck knows but I did try.
M2 well she was another hot mess. Another instance on the bus, another 5 day out of school suspension. She yelled and cursed me out in front of the principal and social worker. She screamed gad awful things and I just stood there. I wanted to yell back but oh yeah the administrators were there. Finally get her home and she starts sobbing she wants to come out to dinner with me and my friend. Nope sorry honey I am in need of adult time and I need to have someone talk me off the ledge before I fall off. I love you but no dice. More yelling and swearing ensue for about 10 minutes. She finally stops. I tell her I love her and leave to go out to dinner.
I saw a meme the other day that is ringing through for me in all of this it says “I”m the kind of tired that sleep can’t fix.” Today M1 texts me, she wants custody back of K. I try to reason with her boytoy is leaving for basic and two kids under two is a lot and she fights me. I tell her how to start the process. I don’t think she realizes this won’t be that easy. I have encouraged her to take her more often she does not, why do you want her then if you don’t want regular visits and time with her? Sure you miss her yet here you are not taking her on the weekends and complaining you don’t get to see her. Ummmm your choice isn’t it.
And so it goes, the cycle of ups and downs. I do love the kids no doubt but sometimes a vacation alone on a beach sounds sooooo tempting I can’t even tell you. Oh well guess I will continue to fight the good fight.