Uphill Climbs

I am just venting here and know that really nothing can be said to change much that is going on but maybe if I just say it I can get some peace so I can refocus and move on.

Last week M2 was suspended from school for crazy unsafe behavior. She earned it, she deserved it and I did not want to fight it. My child was so very wrong. But as I sat there hearing the consequences of my daughters actions which included a 5 day out of school suspension tears poured down my cheeks. In the 8 years these folks have dealt with me this has never happened. The social worker, is a gem, and tried to offer comfort but many of us know this nothing could really be said. The social worker spelled out for me basically that I needed to get M2 hooked up with the Office of People with Developmental Disabilities to get some services for her. The district special ed chair told me she would assign one of her interns to work with me to get both girls qualified for services. They were given my information and I was (am) talking to them about what I am being told I need to provide to get qualified. I am grateful, I am sad. I am tired but trying to focus on grateful.

On Tuesday M1 contacts me to tell me what she is doing for Baby K’s birthday. She is going to take the baby overnight and spend her birthday with her so she is not going to daycare. She is then coming to our house to make the cake and open gifts. Oh and when we carve the pumpkin we bought the baby, we are to call them so they can come over and do it with us. Fun fact, which M1 knows, in our house on your birthday you wake up and at your spot on the table are your gifts and your cake. You can then choose to open them then or wait or spread them out throughout the day. Of course by taking the baby overnight will make all this not happen. I want to scream, cry and tantrum. You have not seen your kid in two weeks because there is no family functions but you want to keep her from my celebration on her birthday. I am angry. I am frustrated. I feel like you are treating me like a piece of crap because you can and for no other reason. I cry to my therapist then put my foot down. I will drop her off in the morning, after she wakes up with me and sees her presents. You can bring a cake and we can do gifts at my house but no you are not spending the day at my house to do whatever.

Thursday I am in a class that I had to compete to get into. I had to beat out applicants from across NYS to become a trainer in Respectful Communications for the Governor’s Office. After lunch my phone rings, its N’s principal. I have to come get her. She is cursing out the staff, not putting away her phone and now has run off the high school grounds. I have to leave the training to get her. Well there is a catch, if I leave I can’t return. If I can’t do the two full days I don’t get certified. If I can’t do the two full days I may not be able to apply to the course again next year. I am ssoooo angry, so upset, soooooo resentful. I am driving to the house and I get an email from N, she tells me if I come home she will kill me. I will die. I wish she would. I mean no I don’t but you know what death feels sometimes so much easier than dealing with this. I cry the rest of the trip home and pull myself together to go over this with her.

I take time and the baby and go to Walmart. I walk around and then pick up M2 from her friend’s house. I ask N if she wants to come out to dinner she says no. I don’t care I am so upset right now stay home. We get home and the kitchen is a mess. I ask N to come up and clean it. She says she will do it tomorrow. I lose it. I end up yelling at her and it makes the baby cry. Yeah ok I don’t have even a close handle on this parenting crap. I feed the baby and get her settled. I tell both girls the deal is this, do what I say when I say to do it or the internet goes off until I “feel like” putting them back on. Life is not a democracy and since you don’t respect me as a person I do not have to share resources you don’t actually NEED anymore.

I am spent and so hurt. I want to cry out “its not fair” I mean I worked so hard to get where I am in my field to have someone else’s choices get me removed from my “reward” and goals hurts. You threaten to kill or hurt me regularly, please stop saying I matter to you because you don’t threaten the life of people who matter. I know at some point this will level out. I know that getting services in for the girls long term is the right decision. I know being firm but fair to M1 is what is best for the baby. But I am immature. I am emotional. I need to refocus before I sink too far into a depression. I can do this, it just that at this precise moment, I don’t want to anymore.

No worries, I have support and at this point my counselor and my besties are doing regular check ins just to keep my sanity and ice cream going.

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