So I do my best to keep all the moving pieces in my life from an off course collision but I fail many many times. Today as I sat in tears in my counselor’s office I said something I have not said in years. I told her I was so freaking hopeless I was not sure what the point of anything is anymore. Now I am not a danger to myself or others but this week I can’t seem to feel good about anything at all. Let me share how it went
I get an email from the respite worker that N was staying with saying we had to talk. Turns out N had taken food, eaten it where she was not supposed to and she hid the wrapper. Now this happens but the issue is that for the first time N lashed out screaming at the respite worker. She refused to answer the question of where the wrapper was and despite the explanation by the worker she was just trying to prevent mice, N refused to talk. All right I have to go in and make the kid talk, eventually she does, she comes clean and we rediscuss the rules. The worker is in shock that N was so “out of control” ummm seriously honey she has broken my finger, sprained my wrist and left bruises on my body. Her yelling is no issue. I remind N she is a good kid and doesn’t need to do this old behavior anymore and then I drop it for the day.
We get home and M2 launches into her “I am not doing anything you say” mode. She won’t clean her room, do her laundry, help with the baby nothing at all. The next morning before school when I ask her to give N a turn holding the baby she launches on an attack about what a piece of garbage I am. All right fine I am garbage but your friend isn’t coming over today because you don’t get to name call me and N when you in fact are being rude. More cursing ensues and I am off to work to escape it all.
While at work I get a text from M1. She has to turn in her plates as she has no insurance what is she going to do and on and on. Well I am not going to help you financially. I am raising your daughter without your assistance and all my “extra money” goes to M2 and N who don’t deserve to sacrifice more than they have already. She goes on and on about how she has no money and whatever will she do. I tell her I am not sure but maybe try to reschedule that job interview you skipped last week.
My phone dings again a few hours later and it is boytoy. He is telling me that M1 is threatening to hurt herself and kill herself because he told her they can’t afford a better apartment. She is angry that the house is full of fleas and they don’t have money to adequately clean the place. I remind him she gets anxious and that if he had a real concern tell her that you are going to call an ambulance because you care about her and don’t want her to do anything foolish because you love her so much. Eventually he will text me and tell me she is fine. Of course she is she is not a danger and when you remind her threats like that get you in a hospital psych ward she pulls her head out of her whoo whoo.
I am feeling right now as if everything I touch turns to garbage. The kids at home are rude and disrespectful to me. My oldest is off on her own making foolish decisions as fast as she can and the only thing they all have in common is me. Right now I am not Teflon and am starting to believe maybe I am the piece of crap the two youngest say I am. Thankfully as I bawl without stop in my counselors office she reminds me of the broken foundation all of my kids have. She reminds me that no they would not be better off without me. I get a free medication adjustment and make a promise to call if I start thinking and dark thoughts about my need to non exist.
So no it is not a good week but I am quite sure that others have felt this way when parenting kids with needs. Yes it gets overwhelming and while much of the time I can let it roll because I know it is not personal, this week, well it all feels personal. I know breath and talk to a therapist. Good news I am going kid free to a dinner on Friday and it should be fun. So as I would tell anyone in my situation, hang on you got this.