N was away at respite this weekend. When I went downstairs to put some new clothes on her bed I saw the bag of chips that was missing. I sighed, second time in three weeks she has stolen food from me. I took her off the internet and waited for her to return and of course fly into her rage. Now please know I did tell her three weeks ago if she stole from me again she would be off the internet for the night but that would not matter. She comes home and of course I get to listen to her rage about what a piece of crap I am for giving here the consequences she knew about. When heard her out and tried to talk quietly the usual threats of violence against me. Now good news she did not actually do anything past screaming at what a piece of crap I am. Eventually she calmed down and we finished making dinner for tonight.
A few minutes later M1 comes through the door with boytoy. They had picked up Baby K for the “day” after I reminded them that they said they were going to. I dropped her off at 10:30 and at 4 they returned her because they had to clean. Your house was disgusting and stinks, literally you were not going to clean. They say they have to get something in the garage and a few moments later M2 comes flying in in full blown rage. She screams at the top her of lungs “(my sister) is the biggest a**hole in the world.” Yeah I am not allowed to agree with that outloud so I try to get out of her what happened. She rages and rages while her friend tends to Baby K. Eventually it turns out that M1 claimed all her stuff was stolen and M2 said it was not they had just moved it around when they cleaned. Nope M1 was tearing M2 to pieces and boytoy just watched. I keep my cool because lets face it the only one who hasn’t lost their sh** in the past 3 hours was me.
I get M1 and boytoy out of the house. Convince M2 to join us for dinner. Thank C, her friend for caring for Baby K and ask N to set the table for all of us. Baby K starts pitching a fit, she is tired and had barely eaten today so she is starving. M2 and C take turns feeding her while I serve the meal. Eventually, she stops fussing and starts to demand my dinner. I feed it to her feeling like crap. Why on earth am I so mad that I have to share my dinner with her, I love her but still I am mad. No I get it not mad at her just mad at the mess that today was in general.
After torturing Baby K (ok giving her a bath) she settled down and fell asleep in my arms and I brought her upstairs to bed. M2 goes to take a shower and I sit back for dinner take 2. A few minutes later N comes barreling up the stairs and POUNDS on the bathroom door and scares the crap out of M2 in the shower and Baby K at the top of the stairs. Baby K starts screaming in fear, traumatized for sure. I want to scream I am so tired of all of this.
I am tired of having to provide solutions to M1s choices. Yes I love Baby K and want to take care of her but I am frustrated that I was put in this situation. Yes I made the choice but still frustrated I had to make it to begin with. I am tired of N telling me what a piece of crap I am every time she does something wrong and gets a consequence that she knew was coming. Yes it is about her and dealing with her frustration with herself but the name calling and bad mouthing is directed at me. I am tired of calming down M2 whenever her sister incites her to rage. I am tired and frustrated, so incredibly frustrated. I swear sometimes I just believe all the crap they say to me because, well they say it a lot to be honest.
I know I know I will get through it somehow but for right now I am just so mad and basically in tears. I am disappointed in myself and frustrated with so many things right now. I must figure out how to balance it all so my frustrations don’t turn into anger at the kids. I swear on days like this I don’t feel like I can handle any of it. I am sure others have felt this way though so tie a knot at the end of my rope and hang on.