When there aren’t words

Having M1 home has been hard on everyone. I know it stresses the kids out and of course their behavior is showing it more lately than before. We will start with N.

Sunday.. N comes home from respite and immediately refuses to do anything asked. Rages against me telling me what a piece of crap I am. What an awful family she was stuck with, how she wanted to go back to the institution and a whole slew of swears I don’t have enough time to type. I hear her out and don’t argue, just listen. While this is the second rage in a week I get it, she is stressed and doesn’t relay her emotions well to begin with. When she finally winds herself down I have her list the positives of her situation. She comes up with a few. I encourage her to focus on the positives in her life and stop dwelling on the negatives that she cannot change such as the fact M1 is a bully to everyone not just her. Next day I made sure we went to the library, her favorite place, to show that I did care but we were all sort of trapped here. She seemed to cheer up.

Day before, Saturday, M2 melts down over nothing in particular. She refuses to do anything asked and screams at me incoherently until I tell her to knock it off or I take the internet. I get it she is stressed. She hates how M1 treats boytoy and the rest of the world as her servant. She hates the broken promises, the lies and probably tension. I can’t fix it, we try for a solution and she goes blank. She calms down for a bit then revved up again on Sunday when N started going at me. By the time I was done with N, M2 was exhausted and crying convinced either M1 or N was going to try to beat the crap out of me (they weren’t). So I take her to dinner alone on Sunday and we have a good time I listen to her but don’t provide explanations, she can’t listen she needs to be heard. We figure it out and come up with a plan to manage.

Yesterday I asked M1 where she was in the apartment search. She and boytoy have gotten the inheritance and have been going on a spending spree like it is their full time job. Now boytoy did get a part time job at the local supermarket so that much is good. M1 decides now is the time to go off on me and start with “Well if you didn’t want us here why did you want me to move back in?” Clearly a leading statement, clearly letting me know she wanted to fight me for whatever stupid reason now. I calmly talked to her and dismissed all her allegations by pointing out the facts that she could readily identify if in fact she stopped for more than three seconds to think maybe I was not the spawn of Satan trying to ruin her perfect life. I kept my cool, pointed out facts calmed her down and defused the situation then went to bed, why because I wanted to punch her. Sorry just being real. I went to bed because I was so angry, fed up and disgusted that I had to leave the space she was in to keep my wits about me. Calm to her a raging inferno inside.

Yes I am in therapy as all this crazy making is enough to drive a saint to do things against the bible. When I relay all this information to her she too agrees that she would want to punch M1 as well. There are not even words for the mess that my poor house is in at this time. We try to get things together but then M1 starts her nonsense and we all have to try to not react. Easy for me who has an expansive vocabulary and can communicate with ease. Not so much for N and M2 who struggle with both words and emotions.

Good news is that they are talking about getting married. Why is that good news….well then legally M1 is emancipated and I am no longer responsible for her financially. While I don’t think boytoy should have to be strapped with my child for life, I am holding onto the hope that our freedom will come sooner then age 21.

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3 thoughts on “When there aren’t words

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  1. Oh my goodness. For what it’s worth sometimes I want to punch her, too! It’s crazy that your state holds you responsible until 21. I’ve never even heard of that. I’m sorry. Hang in there!

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