Well the honeymoon is over and the old M1 is back in almost full force. Trying to stay positive, she is not exactly how she used to be but still not a changed person. Being a Mom has taught her little in terms of skills for working with people.
On N’s birthday M1 had a blow out because of who knows what reason. I tried to talk to her and she went on a tirade about what a piece of crap I was and how useless I was. This after yelling at both boytoy and M2 so clearly the issue is M1. I try to talk to her and she says a bunch of really cruel things directed at me personally. I send N and M2 to their rooms as M1 storms outside and go to my room to cry. I am too old, too tired and just done with raising this child. Yes I know it sounds harsh but seriously her venom spewed tirades I am pretty sure would make Mother Theresa utter a harsh word. But no I can’t do much so I pray. Yep literally pray for strength, patience and self control. We go out to eat and I told boytoy and M1 that they are welcome to come but if they honestly believed I was the piece of crap that M1 had just accused me of being they were free to stay home. They ended up coming and we ended up going to dinner. I tried to keep back the tears of rage for N’s sake but I was beyond angry. M1 happily tells M2 and N that the reason I am upset is because I have depression. Again not acknowledging any wrong doing on her part. I don’t address it I am too tired to fight her.
The rest of the weekend and into the week I make a point of taking M2 and N out of the house to avoid M1 basically. We do TKD, the gym, shopping and out to eat. Last night we came home and M1 immediately jumps on N and says she heard that N has been bullying a kid at school. I say to M1 this is not the time or the place to discuss this and she insists it is. I run interference as N starts cursing me out for being a piece of garbage. When N finally goes to her room I remind M1 that it is not her place to address anyone’s behavior. She looked at me haughtily and said “Yeah well this happened last year so something should be done.” Yes you read that right it happened last year and so now when M1 is in a mood she is going to pick a fight with N who is too simple to avoid the confrontation. I reminded her quietly that her place was not to parent N and that in the future any further issues needed to be addressed to me.
I don’t miss having to deal with any of this. I am super tired already and it has only been two months. I can tell myself logically they take their rage out on me because they know I am safe and won’t leave them. Yes this is true and I do love them but I am tired. I struggle because at times I regret being the safe person and yet I know deep down I don’t. I hate being the brunt of the hurt and rage but know that it has to come out somewhere. I stopped covering up and hiding though this time. I let some church friends know what is going on and they were super supportive. I will continue to take the younger two out for some away from M1 time and of course I will dump tons of loving on Baby Shark.