Momentary Sadness

Today I sort of felt bad for myself and I know that I should not. I drove to my Alma Mater to pick M2 up from her one week course. Good news she loved it so that was great. I drove past the first college on the journey SUNYA and saw it was move in day. I felt sad I should have had a freshman this year. I should have had a high school graduate. I have a pregnant, high school drop out.

The sadness hit me like a wave and then when I realized that I was grieving for the loss of neurotypical children. I was picking up my child with Autism. I was going home to a child with Developmental Delays. I had a kid who could have gone farther. I had a kid who could do more and yet she chose not to. I know M1 also has a diagnosis but she also had normal intelligence and was fully integrated in school.  It only  hurt for a few minutes and I refocused my energy. I can’t dwell on what I don’t have or things will get uber depressing and I will lose sight of the joy in front of me.

M1 then decided to message me. She found out she might be put on probation for her shoplifting charge. I said not much because why bother she is not listening. She is an adult now, it will forever be searchable when she looks for a job. I want to be concerned but if you didn’t want to listen earlier and not commit the crime then you earned this congratulations. But I am sorry for all of this I am. Her life is now down a road that is hard to recover from. It is paved with struggle and hardship that she could have avoided but instead chose. Egad its hard to watch this.

I wonder how many other Moms feel this way. I know I am not the only one. I know that others have kids like this but sometimes it is hard to remember that they too get through it. People have offered me supportive statements saying their kid went through this and came out on top. I feel bad but I don’t believe it will end this way for M1. I mean I do hope they are right but my heart does not believe it at this point. Maybe I will come around and she will too. I hope so but no I don’t believe so.

3 thoughts on “Momentary Sadness

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  1. I’m so sorry for your troubles, but I hope you don’t give up on your daughter. I was that kid (back in 1982), and my road back to a productive, happy life was made exponentially more difficult by my parents’ dismissal of me. Even though we eventually reconciled, when they told me I was a lost cause, that became a permanent part of how I feel about myself. Women don’t ever really recover from their parents’ disappointment in them. We carry it around forever, and it becomes the voice in our heads. Sincerely hoping you both heal and recover. Good luck to you!

    1. Hi Donna no I will never give up on her. I work instead on accepting what is and that I love her for who she is not how she is acting or behaving. I will never give up on her because I love her and no matter how awfully she has treated me I can’t stop hoping even though it hurts so much at times.

      1. I’m so glad. I think sometimes about how much I hurt my mother, and it just kills me. I would give anything to go back in time and do better. Sending you love and luck and better days.

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