The Plan that Wasn’t

“…Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in
Sometimes I feel like giving up
No medicine is strong enough
Someone help me
I’m crawling in my skin
Sometimes I feel like giving up
But I just can’t
It isn’t in my blood…”

– Shawn Mendes “In my blood”

Every time I hear this song I swear it has to do with M1 and myself but of course it does not. When it comes to my oldest the amount of chaos I have had to endure gets to be overwhelming at times. It has been a stinking long 12 years. I saw her old therapist just the other day and she asked how she was doing I simply said “17 and pregnant. No job, boyfriends in jail. So not sure how that translates.” The therapist put her hand on my shoulder and said “There was only so much  you could do. The damage was done before you were in the picture. Try to cut yourself some slack.”

Some days I can win the argument of genetics over upbringing in my head. Some days I cannot. This weekend was especially hard because for the first time she also impacted my parents and this made me saddened in one way but relieved in another because now for the first time they saw exactly how it was dealing with her. The conversations go like this:

M1- I will be at the house at 2 so I can shower and pack before we leave for Grandma’s and Pop Pop’s house.

N’s sitter waits a half and hour- no M1.

M1- I overslept I am going to the house now to get ready.

Me- I am not home. I am at work and the sitter waited for 30 minutes but had to get M2 from school so no one is home right now. Can you meet me at 4 grab your stuff and go?

M1- Yes I will see you at 4.

4 comes I am at the house. 4:30 comes no M1 so I have to leave. My parents are 2 hours away and wanted to have dinner with us. I get to the sitters.

She texts me: “Boytoy got his truck stuck in a snowbank. He can’t get it out we have to get towed and so I won’t be able to make it tonight until later. So you guys go on without me.”

OK no part of me believes he did not do this on purpose. No part. I call and ask if she is sure tonight is a good idea, It is 5 now 2 hours down 2 hours back is a lot of driving, in the dark to place he does not know. Also does he have money for gas because he will need it.

She snaps at me “He has a full tank. C will give us money and I want to go to Grandma’s.”

I tell her I have to go as I am about to lose my crap. Now I am late and no part of me believes she is coming down. We drive down and get to dinner late, my parents are upset at me for this even though I explained it was only in part my fault. I then produce my phone and hand it to my mother and say “Here you read what she says.” The look on my Mom’s face told me it all. Just as she was reading it again M1 messages me

“OK I am not coming down tonight I will come down tomorrow.”

My  mother and father are clearly hurt. My Mom says to me “Is she lying about the truck?” I told her I was not sure but that part of me believed that boytoy did it on purpose though I had no proof that pointed that way. Her lips got tight and usually this means someone is going to get a tongue lashing and I hold my breath. She said to me “Well you did the best you could to get her here, lets just eat dinner. She is not coming down this weekend.” Sure enough around 11pm I get the text.

“I’m not coming down this weekend. Boytoy’s Mom is being a jerk and won’t give him money to drive me. He isn’t going to be home until 2:30 in the morning so I can’t get there.”

I showed my Mom the message in the morning so she knew. My Dad and I then went off to the Yankees game and M2 stayed with Mom to get her hair dyed (N was at respite). The two of us had a good time with my parents and were grateful for the time together but the hurt was clear on my parents faces. I tried to tell them this is how it has been going but now they see it first hand and they are NOT happy.

I want to say good riddance to M1 much of the time now a days but giving up seems the easy way out and I guess fortunately for M1 it isn’t in my blood.

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