I was pretty sure that last night was awful. How stupid and foolish I was. This morning was sooooo much worse I felt like last night was amateur hour. Kids get up and get excited about their lunch boxes stuffed with candy. M1 eventually emerges from her room and then goes back into her room. Not a word about the car seat…I am juvenile and my feelings are hurt. I ask if she is going to church and she says “probably”. Translation, no so I am angry and slam the door, yes immature on my part.
M1 comes out full barrel screaming at me and using obscenities. I tell her if she is going to verbally abuse me again I will not respond. She shouts some more and goes to her room. Eventually she emerges and another round ensues. This time she says “I am not going to put up with you. You’re shit!!!” I stop dead, I look at her and say “I am sorry did you just tell me I was shit???” She looses her crap and tells me I blow everything out of proportion and take everything the wrong way. I repeat “I am sorry but did you or did you not just say You’re shit” She screams at me “I didn’t mean you are shit, I mean the shit you put me through.” I clarified “But you did in fact tell me I was shit and now you are mad that I am offended and angry at being sworn at?” World war three broke out and she starts screaming, yelling and eventually throwing things. M2 gets involved things get butt ugly and I am ready to kick her out but realize she is all worked up and this can’t be good. She calls boytoy and tells him to come get her right now because she is not staying with me and my shit.
I move to the end of the bed and stop talking. I listen to both M1 and M2 tell me what a piece of crap parent I am. How I am abusive and “constantly” abuse M2 and N and on and on. I say not a word. Eventually when they realize they are not getting anywhere M2 stops and stares at me. I ask if she is done and she does not reply. I ask M1 if she feels more powerful and in control to demean me and insult me and she told me, well I can’t type what she told me. Suddenly she looked at me and said “You know I wanted to be like you. I wanted to be a single Mom and independent but you are nothing but an asshole and I f*** hate you.” I looked at her and said “You are never ever to say that to me again. You are NEVER to be the mother I was. I have f*** up most of my time parenting you obviously look where it ended you. Be better than me. Take my mistakes and promise yourself not to make them so your child doesn’t hate you because even though you tried your best sometimes you are just an asshole and can’t help it. NEVER EVER try to be me, be yourself and give your child experiences you think they should have not dictated by what I have said and or done. Am I clear?”
She burst into real tears and screamed/sobbed “Don’t you f***ing get it? I can’t be you. I can’t even be part of who you are because I am not strong. I am not independent and I can’t raise a kid on my own. No matter what the hell I do I can’t do what you did and I am just not able to raise a child!!!!!” Thank you holy high roller for compassion. I grabbed my sobbing fighting 17 year old in my arms and talked softly to her. I reminded her I was not going to abandon her. I reminded her she was strong and beautiful and could at some point manage on her own. I pointed out all the help I gave her to set her up for success. I told her that I was going to work with her and set her up to succeed and that she was in no way destined to repeat her mothers pattern. She sobbed for awhile and I went to church.
I spent the drive to church bawling, I was exhausted and can’t handle her emotions anymore. I get to church and was greeted with a round of hugs. No one asked questions just gave me a hug and said “hang in there”
I come home and prep for dinner and my parents. I find my happy place cooking and try to tune out the overwhelming urges I have to start crap with M1. The other girls have turned themselves around and are helping clean, put away and set the table. I thank them both and tell them to go ahead and take a nap I will wake them when my parents get here. We end up having a nice dinner with them and my BFF. M1 is civil but refuses to basically talk to me and I don’t care. Dinner is over, parents go home and as I am talking to my BFF, the dog starts barking. I assume he has to go out so I go to let him out and see predators van in the driveway, what the hell?!?!?! M1 emerges and tells me she is going out with predator to get boytoy and her other friend and she will be back in like one or two hours most. Guess what it has been two hours, she is not home yet.
The sermon today was about forgiving those who need to be forgiven not those who are easy to forgive. It was about how you must acknowledge the hurt piece of you and then give of yourself to allow them to not hurt you anymore. Nope no where near there unfortunately.