M1 returned to the house today. We made her switch rooms so she did not have free access to a back door to slip boys in and out of. Also, now that she is pregnant, I can’t have the infant crying and waking up N when it comes to school time. No not due any time soon as she is only 9 weeks but I think long term and lets face it I don’t want her to be able to bring her newest boy accused of statutory rape (hence his nick name predator) into the house with my 16 year old who does not have the where-with-all to let me know that he did something or was even there.
We moved rooms so we have M2 and N downstairs in the basement and M1 on the first floor. M2 was torn about moving and is now pissed and screaming obscenities at me. Well all right she is not now as I convinced her to take a shower. N is in bed having helped move all the stuff up and down the stairs. M1 is watching movies and not even trying to be part of the family. So far M2 has had four meltdowns in five hours and I have had one. M1 decided to start hammering nails into my wall to hang the Christmas lights she likes and I couldn’t take the stress of all of this and just went to my room and bawled. Why could she just ask if its all right, it is after all my house.
I fear nothing has changed and am not sure how to manage this stress. Yes I have a counseling appointment set up already. Yes I told the Deacon at my church and he knows. I also told one of the ladies who for some reason came up to me and said “ANYM I am not sure what is up with your oldest but I won’t judge if you want to talk.” Pretty sure the holy high roller opened that door for me and I was appreciative because having to manage all this crap is causing my stress to skyrocket through the stratosphere. Keeping my mouth shut is the hardest thing I have to do and sometimes regrettably it leads to me having a melt down.
There are no words really for the chaotic mess my life has become. My heart thinks it is good she is home but my brain tells me she is screwing me over again. I am not sure what feel anymore but at least I have some good supports in place as the chaos moves forward.