Making Christmas Merry

Last night at the 4pm service the Rector talked about being more spiritual during Christmas not to convert people or “make them” follow your beliefs but rather to bring yourself peace during turbulent times. I heard what he said and tried to take it to heart, and then the texts started.

I want to come home for Christmas but every time I tell “boytoy” that he loses his crap and starts punching walls (yes that is his go to whenever you say you want spend time with us).

I want to be with my sister and you guys but he wants me to stay  here because three years ago he lost his Dad on Christmas day (no Dad was stricken on Christmas, died several days later).

I will get his Mom to bring me home as long as it does not snow (forecast was for 4-8 inches and it was snowing as I read this).

OK I can’t come tonight but I will come tomorrow for sure (but it will be snowing are you sure she can drive you?). 

Christmas eve and I debate putting M1s presents out. Every part of my being says she will not be coming and why torture M2 like this. But if I don’t then M2 will think M1 got nothing from me and that would be unforgivable. I sigh and put out the presents with a sad, profoundly sad sentiment. I am angry at her choices but then I remember the words of the Rector, I need to put the spirituality back into the holiday. M1 doesn’t hate us, she is trapped in a miserably abusive relationship she cannot see her way out of. She is being controlled by a young man and instead of wasting energy being pissed, I decided to use prayer. No not to get overly religious, I asked for forgiveness for my anger at my selfish wants and the grace to deal with M2 in the morning. I also asked for M1s comfort so that she could be happy as I was pretty sure she would not be coming here.

Christmas morning and the kids are thrilled with their gifts. They are excited to get them but equally thrilled at the fact they had gotten me some gifts. They even went as far as to set them up on a chair, like I do theirs on Christmas morning. I stayed focused on their happiness. M1 call eventually and tells M2 that she will be over later. M2 says “you better not be lying.” My heart hurts, it is still snowing, there is no way in heck that boytoy’s mom will drive her and boytoy’s truck is non functional. We plow and shovel the driveway and then I come in to start cooking as we have friends coming over. The phone dings…I sigh…I know what this is…

Why can’t you come and get me so I can spend time with you guys? (I am literally cooking and people are coming for dinner, if I get you can someone bring you back or will you stay here? ) No I want to have dinner with them. (OK but I have food cooking, if I stop it and get you I can’t stop the ham from cooking and will need to put it in right before you want me to start back to his house and I can’t leave the house with the oven running.) Fine I won’t come then, tell M2 I love her and maybe I will see her tomorrow.

Really this is how it is going to go. I told you yesterday it was going to snow all day and not you are mad at me because at 11am you want me to travel 30 minutes to where you are, to have you here for an hour to travel 30 minutes back because you want to spend dinner with him. I focus on cooking as me getting incensed will have no good outcome. I say nothing to M1 because what is the point I am just going to be nasty.

M2 comes into the kitchen and asks if her sister is coming. I tell her not that boytoy’s Mom doesn’t want to bring her and that there was not enough time for me to get her AND bring her back before his family ate dinner. M2’s eyes well with tears, she totally doesn’t understand why M1 doesn’t want to have dinner with us and spend more time with us. She asks if we can get her and I told her that I would have to stop making dinner so we could get her and then couldn’t finish dinner preparations because we would have to bring her back. Tears roll down her face and she says “All my sister ever does anymore is lie.”

I give her a really big hug and reassure her that her sister loves her despite it all. She does want to spend time with her but relationships are tricky and that M1 has not yet learned how to balance it all. M2 tells me that boytoy is a jerk and while I agree I say nothing, I ask her if she wants to help cook and she decides to go off and play her games. I do want to screech at M1 but no I will not. I will prep the meal and make sure everything is in order for our company who will be arriving in just a bit.

Yikes holiday’s are hard, they are harder when you have to watch your kid making poor choices faster than you even thought possible.

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