I decided tonight the problem I have is that I am angry. I can blame the kids for the anger but the truth is that it lies in myself. I am really angry with me and don’t need to blame the kids.
I am angry at myself for not doing a better job with M1. Yes you can argue that point till your last breath but the emotions from my end remain. I keep looking to see if there was an answer, solution something I missed and I am angry I cannot find it. I am also angry that I have to accept there is none. I am angry that I have to accept what I do not believe, which is that I did all I could.
I am angry that my best is not good enough in my own eyes. I have many people telling me I did all I could when it comes to the kids and yet I cannot give myself that grace. I keep looking for ways or solutions that would turn these situations around and blame myself that they don’t exist. I lie to myself and tell myself they do exist if I just did a better job. I am angry I do this to myself and cannot stop doing it.
Sometimes I am angry my life looks like it does. Don’t get me wrong I love the kids but when you think about how a life will go, I can assure you that my plan looked NOTHING like this. I never dreamed I would be the parent of “that child”. Sure I knew my kids would not be perfect but I sure as heck did not think it would look like this. I am angry some days my only parenting accomplishment is that everyone got where they needed to be, fed, showered and into bed before 10pm.
I am so angry at the struggles, theirs and mine alike. I was sure with enough…fill in the blank….things would be simpler. Outcomes would be more understandable. Results would just follow. I am angry this is not the case and even though I know this is any parents/adult, I don’t want it this way. I want it different. I get angry when I have to accept this reality.
I grew up reading fairy tales and some days I find myself still, almost 40 years later, angry that magic does not exist the way I read it. No fairies will come, no magical potion will help, no knight in shining armor will rescue. I am stuck making the choices which are so far from a magical solution that my life some days look more like a Grimm’s Brothers story than a Disney movie.
Yes of course it will pass, it always does but for tonight I am accepting that my harshest critic, my internal audience just plain sucks.