Tonight I am Angry

I decided tonight the problem I have is that I am angry. I can blame the kids for the anger but the truth is that it lies in myself. I am really angry with me and don’t need to blame the kids.

I am angry at myself for not doing a better job with M1. Yes you can argue that point till your last breath but the emotions from my end remain. I keep looking to see if there was an answer, solution something I missed and I am angry I cannot find it. I am also angry that I have to accept there is none. I am angry that I have to accept what I do not believe, which is that I did all I could.

I am angry that my best is not good enough in my own eyes. I have many people telling me I did all I could when it comes to the kids and yet I cannot give myself that grace. I keep looking for ways or solutions that would turn these situations around and blame myself that they don’t exist. I lie to myself and tell myself they do exist if I just did a better job. I am angry I do this to myself and cannot stop doing it.

Sometimes I am angry my life looks like it does. Don’t get me wrong I love the kids but when you think about how a life will go, I can assure you that my plan looked NOTHING like this. I never dreamed I would be the parent of “that child”. Sure I knew my kids would not be perfect but I sure as heck did not think it would look like this. I am angry some days my only parenting accomplishment is that everyone got where they needed to be, fed, showered and into bed before 10pm.

I am so angry at the struggles, theirs and mine alike. I was sure with enough…fill in the blank….things would be simpler. Outcomes would be more understandable. Results would just follow. I am angry this is not the case and even though I know this is any parents/adult, I don’t want it this way. I want it different. I get angry when I have to accept this reality.

I grew up reading fairy tales and some days I find myself still, almost 40 years later, angry that magic does not exist the way I read it. No fairies will come, no magical potion will help, no knight in shining armor will rescue. I am stuck making the choices which are so far from a magical solution that my life some days look more like a Grimm’s Brothers story than a Disney movie.

Yes of course it will pass, it always does but for tonight I am accepting that my harshest critic, my internal audience just plain sucks.

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4 thoughts on “Tonight I am Angry

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  1. You are in a grieving process for your relationship with M1 and all the hopes and dreams you had for it. That process started well before she left your home. Grief sucks and it takes time, and the anger is part of it – being angry at the situation, at her, at all the people who hurt and damaged her before you became her parent, and at yourself. The only way to get through grief is to keep going, it does get better, but slowly. Keep working on forgiving yourself because you do deserve that grace. You tried, you fought hard, you did all you could and more than a lot of people would have, and you are still fighting for her.

    From another mom of “that child,” try to be kind to yourself.

  2. I am wondering why you think you aren’t have feelings? You’ve just LOST A CHILD!!! I mean, yeah, she’s alive. But you are grieving. Of course logically you know there wasn’t anything you could have done to make things turn out better. It’s like if someone dies in an accident and their loved ones are left thinking “what if I had just switched cars that day/taken the kids to school/told them not to board the plane…” etc. See what I mean?

    The truth is that you are still doing an amazing job with her. She has some lessons to learn right now. She has chosen to learn them the hard way. All I can say is that this story isn’t over yet. I hope you take this time to allow yourself to heal. Please give yourself grace as you grieve her loss and yes, recover from the trauma she has inflicted. Remember that you are a great mom!! ❤️

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