You know in the playground so many years ago they had a spinning ride that your friends ran around to get you going then jumped on with you? You have to be a bit older I suppose to remember them but they were fun. Well they are fun when they are a ride and not how life feels at times.
A week ago was M1s birthday
Here is the cake we had. She got jeggings, a cup/straw combo, Jack Skellington boots and several pairs of Suicide Squad socks. The movie folks nothing that dark heehee. She loved them all and was super excited to get the pleather jeggings and boots. Oh well little things to make her happy I suppose. Her behavior deteriorated after the cake was served. We had a good dinner at a local Sushi and Chinese Food House but then things went dark. She snapped all the time blah blah, no idea what is going on but would find out later. Screamed, tantrumed and was sullen. #funtimes
The rest of the week the kids fought constantly, no one was happy and everyone got on everyone’s nerves. By the week’s end I had had it, the constant yelling, screaming and yes it that time of the month for all of them, but it just got to me. Those that thought I was a good parent, let me tell you my next reaction will validate that I suck at this parenting thing entirely. The girls woke up day three of fighting once awake. I lost my crap and punched a wall. There was a stunned silence in the house and then kids scattered. No I was not near any of them, yes I have anger issues. Worse is that I felt like crap afterwards as that was an awesome demonstration of what NOT to do when pissed off and angry. The kids shut up and scurried around to do what they needed to do. By the time I got to work and saw my hand, it dawned on me, my hand was damaged. #yepearnedthat
Go to the doctor and she is concerned about the fact I blew my stack. We agree to a med change and she bandages up my wrist and hand which are now purple from bruising. I come home and talk to the kids, how I was wrong, this was stupid, I basically earned the bruises that now covered my hand. Learn from my lack of judgement etc. M1 looked right at me and said “You got what you deserved” and all I could think was “When you pray to God to night thank him that I didn’t aim for you!!” #parentingfail2
I call my therapist and we talk. I set up another appointment and feel a bit more stable. The kids are a bit subdued for a moment so I will take it. Well then Saturday happened. N lost her stuff and bit me so hard I have welts on my forearm. She punched HUGE bruises in my back and abdomen and don’t get me started on my poor legs. Despite me telling M1 to NOT call the police she did and they show up. We explain what happened and N starts going on and on how she is going to flippin cut me and kill me in my sleep. #weallhavedreams. I assure local police she is blowing smoke but nope have to take her to the ER for a psyche eval. I shoot a glaring look at M1 and remind her that it will now be 4 hours before I will get home if I am lucky. M1 didn’t care she just wanted N taken out of the house (N stole M1s broken cell phone). #hategirldrama
At the hospital N rages and rages until they threaten to medicate her. She tells me what a peace of crap I am and on and on. Sigh…not enough patience for the ride…..Eventually she gets seen and by then she is quiet and recanting all her threats. I pack her up and go home with N and it is the next morning technically. A few hours later I get them all up and head to church, today was the blessing of the adoption and I am covered in bruises from top to bottom. I dress to cover most of it but yeah not all of it. The mass is lovely, the church was sweet, we go to coffee hour and head to my parents house.
I get to the house and am told the schedule. I have no input. They change the sleeping arrangements and when I try to protest I am told “This is my house, and we go by my rules not yours.” Umm ok but my kids and you don’t know the safety plan…sigh….My Dad and I are going to a Yankees game at Yankees Stadium so Mom has the girls. She reads them the riot act and reminds all of them that her word is God and so help all of them if they screw up. They get it but hopefully they really get it.
Game is good and we had fun. Mom never called so I assume all was tolerable. I have full faith I will hear about it when we get home. Get home at 2 and up a few hours later. Mom wants to know why there is tension between the girls, I tell them they all have their menses. She lets me know M2 is more manageable and that maybe I can stop giving her a sense of entitlement. Grrrr….can’t say much positive can you???
Get home and M1 wants me to let her Aunt E take her somewhere to get something. Anyone else’s Mommy sense tingling? I ask questions, she is vague. I tell her no deals, no can do, have a great day. She starts swearing and cursing, I remind her that is not ever how we get Mom to do something and then it comes out that S sent her a box for her birthday it has a cell phone S promised would work but S didn’t want to get in trouble so she sent it to someone else’s address. I could scream. I send S an email and say “What is up with this box?” She tells me “M1 begged me for a phone, it doesn’t work, it never has worked and never been active. I was only doing what I was told to do.”
OK when I can smell the crap sandwich you are serving me from the computer screen you know it is bad. I read the message from S to M1 and M1 flies into a rage, she swears up and down that S is lying. Now mind you they both lie but in this case who knows what the truth is. M1 says “Do you want to see my messages?” so I tend to believe her side a bit more. I am pissed and angry but don’t say much because, right my hand still hurts. Also it doesn’t make any sense why send your kid a phone that does not work and never has. Somethings smells fishy, just sayin’. Oh and you are 39 you can say no if you know something is wrong or shouldn’t be done. #actingresponsible
So I drowned my troubles in a box of Good and Plenty #dontjudge. The kids just started fighting again so I split them up. M1 I suspect feels betrayed by the lies so she is furious right now. N is tired and suppose to be cleaning anyway and M2 well she needed to go to bed about 2 hours ago. Me and my candy sit on the couch typing…it has to get better soon right?