There was a song from a long time ago that went like this:
He sang as if he knew me
In all my dark despair
And then he looked right through me
As if I wasn’t there
And he just kept on singing
Singing clear and strong
Strumming my pain with his fingers
Singing my life with his words
Killing me softly with his song – Roberta Flack
Today at church I literally bawled at the sermon. Me who is normally contained and good about emotional regulation, just cried right in church. Can I tell you how glad I was that I sit in the back? The Pastor talked today about having faith. He talked about a friend of his who had been through merciless trials with his daughter. The pastor explained his friend ended up putting space between him and his daughter to protect himself from the pain. How even though the father loved his daughter, she caused him so much pain he had to protect himself from the one he loved. Yay that was the sentence, the one that reduced me to tears.
M1 almost snapped my head off and said “He isn’t talking about us!!!” Well yeah his friend is male, his daughter is 21 so clearly it was not us. But I got it. I got how one person, your child, can cause you so much pain you put up a protective wall to keep yourself from hurting more. I understood how you can stop praying because you “know” prayers won’t be answered. How you want to quit and give up. I got it, I totally got it. It was like an episode from my life playing out except the seed of hope his daughter has to turn her life around, well my daughter doesn’t have that.
Yes I know I am a train wreck from time with my family, medication changes and my boss leaving. I know that the three meltdowns today and two yesterday are to be expected when three girls have their menses, but yet there the Pastor was talking about a darkness I was intimately familiar with and then ashamed I knew so well. Have you ever felt like that? It was jarring and painful yet I know the Pastor has no idea how deeply he hit home with me today.
Good news I did not drown my sorrows in ice cream. I did go through a box of tissues though so there was that. But I know, pull up your big girl panties and move on. It was awful and yet sadly comforting to know that somewhere out there in the world was another parent who experienced this exact hurt. It is profoundly sad yet good to know I am not alone in the darkness.