If I said my life was spinning way out of control right now I think it would be accurate. I am not sure you would see it if you were looking in on me but if you were my cubicle mate or my shadow you would see it for sure. Yes I share a cubicle at work, we know every blessed detail about each other and its fine.
So last Wednesday of course the girls found out about their Grandmother. On Friday I went to get them from the sitters and she told me her Mom is in the hospital. Her Mom has kidney disease, she lied to everyone about how bad it was and now she is in the hospital because every single count is out of whack. Her Mom is my kids favorite sitter sooo this is a blow to everyone. Saturday things are tense in the house. We go tag saling and the kids are all right but on edge, ok I get it and don’t push too much. Sunday the feces hit the oscillating device.
My BFF wanted to use my van to pick something up. I told her yes but she failed to mention that she needed my help. I was not ready, she got aggravated. N is suppose to be cleaning her room, she is refusing and being belligerent. M1 tries to talk to her. I remind M1 she does not need to get involved. N loses her stuff and starts screeching at me and tried to slam a door in my face. I got closer to her and tried to talk quietly instead of yelling and she reared back and nailed me hard in the stomach with her foot. The blow caught me off guard and sent me flying. My BFF lost her stuff and smacked N right in the head. N loses it and goes violent extraordinaire and I have the illustrious job of pulling N away from my BFF who suddenly realized there is no way in hell she can restrain her as N is way to powerful. M1 and M2 are screaming. I tell my BFF to go upstairs she does not as she is concerned I am hurt (I am) and then N breaks free of me and runs upstairs and outside.
Crap I am hurt, like for real. It is hard to breathe and at the moment I wonder if a rib is cracked. I walk upstairs and just focus on calming down. I finish making lunch with my hands shaking as my BFF apologizes for the mess. Through terse words I tell her she is NEVER EVER to hit my kids I do not care if she felt they had it coming. My breathing is ragged so I focus to calm myself down in a futile attempt to stop the pain. I serve lunch and tell all the kids to get in the van (N returned shortly). I say nothing to anyone as I am raw and NOT in control of my own emotions.
During the ride the kids are all screeching about how AWFUL my BFF is. The call her rotten names and act like she is the one to blame for everything. I remind them she tried to restrain N because N attacked me first. My BFF was trying to help me and that yes the smack was wrong but she had to do something to divert N kicking me a second time when I was not able to get up quickly. They go on and on about all the wrongs that she has done and I remind them all that they all have lied to her and M1 has stolen from her so none of them can judge a mistake which happened. I remind each of them that my BFF has a breaking point and after the screaming at me they all did, the fact none of them cleaned their rooms and then N attacking me, well today was my BFF’s breaking point. I reminded all of them that the only person mothering all of them was me and yet for all of them I am the person they treat the worst and while it is not all right to hit it breaks my BFF’s heart the things I tolerate from all of them.
We get the stuff we drive back. M1 runs her mouth to my friend, my friend threatens to charge her with theft. M1 loses her stuff and refuses to do anything at all for me. She screams and swears at me what a piece of crap I am for having a friend like this. Umm you stole two iPhones from her she has a right to press charges kiddo sorry you don’t like it. N and M2 join in and chaos reigns again. I send everyone to their room and collapse on the couch and just bawl. Bawl, like made myself sick from crying so hard bawling, I felt hopeless and like I have to choose between my BFF and my kids. I know I can’t do this. I just want someone to hug me and tell me it will be all right. Yeah I need someone to lie to me right now.
I make dinner and cannot eat. My stomach hurts so bad from being kicked and from being sick that I seriously wondered if my appendix was still intact. I send them back to their rooms after eating and just fold laundry. I bring each their laundry and help them put it away without speaking much. M1 apologizes but I can’t hear it. She pulls this stuff all the time, I cannot believe she is truly sorry. M2 says is sorry and admits she was saying things out of anger and that she knows I really do love them all and always put them first. N threatened to tell a crap load of lies to school to get me arrested. OK two out of three ain’t bad. I go back upstairs and just cry some more really there is nothing else I can do. My BFF emails me an apology but asserts she is right because M1 is a thief and a liar. OK whatever the slope of depression slides deeper and deeper as I fear I am losing my grip.
N wakes up and rips my head off immediately. M1 and M2 get up and are grumpy but tolerable. I go to work and get the call, N is telling everyone my BFF violently attacked her and almost choked her to death. Ummm no she tried to get her off of me, she probably inadvertantly hit her as she failed to realize how strong N was but no no one beat her or choked her. No one tried to kill her, but she did in fact try to and succeeded in hurting me. Oh she left the part out that is she started the mess, yes she did. I hear them as N if this is true, did she start it and my BFF come to try to help me. N remained silent and walked out of the room. OK yes mistakes were made for sure, but no she was not beaten or choked I assure them.
Later my BFF emails me…do you want us to put flags on your friends graves for Memorial Day? Tears start again, sure in the midst of all this stuff remind me that my company commander was killed by my driver…sure now is a good time to bring this up. I mean makes sense you know I am in dire pain from yesterday and the mess you helped create so reminding me that Memorial day is coming seems to be the best retort…..too bad I don’t actually have a sarcasm font. I can’t even go to the gravesite because it haunts me to this day but sure lets talk about this now when I am an emotional wreck. There is not enough Zoloft in the world to stop this tumble downhill.
Is it a bad thing when you are grateful you have to go to the dentist to get work done so you don’t have to talk and they will assume the tears are from the fact you are terrified to be there? I cried through the whole process but assured the hygienist she was not hurting me just my over the top emotions at being here. She was super sweet though and took it all in stride. Of course it will be water cooler talk about how much I was crying I am sure. Thank you holy high roller for that!!!!
I sit here now and have finally stopped shaking. My chest and stomach hurt less but for sure I am bruised. I struggled to talk to M1 and N tonight. I explained it was that my emotions were out of control so I was not talking since I could not manage them. I told them I was not in a place to say anything kind so if they wanted to talk to me it was fine but no I was not going to talk about the mess they made. Both were almost good about it as they stayed in their rooms and did their best not to ask about watching a movie tonight.
I feel helpless and hopeless. It is times like this when my own depression and PTSD make things so freaking challenging. Yes I see my counselor this week. I may call the Deacon before hand. I just want to cry until I can’t cry anymore but I would be concerned I would not stop….