Devastating Birth Family News

Wow my head is still spinning. For those that do not know the story, I have known M1 and M2’s family for over 16 years. I met M1 when she as 4 months old and was in her biological Aunt’s life for a year before that…why does that matter….read on…..

I got a phone call today from the kids Aunt. She was crying which is a freaking huge red flag. She told me her Mom is dying and that there was nothing they could do. Now please understand I am not calloused but rather trying to rate if this was real or not as I pressed her for information. Through the tears she updated me and well unfortunately the end is coming soon. My heart broke for their Aunt, I have known her since she was M1’s age, in fact I met her three weeks before her 16th birthday. She has been her Mom’s primary care giver for most of her life.

I made the decision to tell the girls and to bring them to see their Grandmother. Her dying wish was to see M1 and since this is not a drill I felt I needed to do that for her. I brought the girls and she burst into tears when I came through the door and said “R- I have a surprise for you.” R’s sister was there (yes knows me) and she burst into tears too as she has not seen the girls in almost 14 years. As always the fuss was over M1. The family is cool at best to M2 so any family stuff is tough for me to keep my temper with.

M1 and R talked for a long while and I said not much. She filled in pieces for her that she had and explained some of her likes, events etc. R was very kind and M1 hugged her a few times. M1 also cried her eyes out so yeah it was tough. M2 sort of sat there, no one really wanted to talk to her. It is always like this but still it pains me. M2 kept her head buried on my shoulder and leaned on me for support. My heart broke for both them for different reasons.

The family left the room and wanted me to spend some time alone with R. Now I was not sure why because R and I are not really close. I sat next to her and we talked about a bunch of different things. She told me she was terrified of dying and that all she wanted to do was see her grandbabies grow up. I asked her about her spiritual beliefs and validated what she told me they were. M1 sort of stared at me for the conversations because I am not sure that she understood why when people are dying they want to talk about the fact they are dying. I got then why the family left me, they could not emotionally deal with it and keep telling her and me that she is going to get better. Umm no she is not. Not to be morbid but I have seen death many times and know what it looks like.

I brought the girls to McDonalds and wanted to give them a chance to breathe, and talk if needed. I tried to reassure M1 that the whole death conversation was not to be an ass in front of her but that when people know they are dying they sometimes want to talk about it. M1 looked at me through hurt eyes and said “they said she will get better” I looked at her and said nothing. A few seconds later, she looked at me and said “but she isn’t really is she?” My heart seized in pain for her as I answered “no”  Short of a miracle there is no way for the numbers I saw on the monitor and the way her Grandmother looked that made it look like recovery was possible. I hated to crush them, but I could not lie because I think that betrayal would be worse.

We drove home in silence after all what could be said. I hugged them both tight and encouraged them both to get some sleep. In my heart I know I made the right decision it just sucks to live with the consequences. My heart is broken for all of them.

6 thoughts on “Devastating Birth Family News

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  1. Ugh, I’m so sorry. I’m dreading this path, but it’s also one of the reasons I’m working hard to make sure Hope has time with her grandmother who is 80 years old. She could have a lot of time left or she could check out tomorrow. She’s seems healthy and robust, but at 80…well that could change quickly.

    Hang in there. You did the right thing even in the midst of heartbreak.

  2. I am so sorry to hear this. You made the right choice being honest. It hurts but I think it’s better than the shock of losing Grandma when they think she’s going to be around for a while.

    I can identify with the favoritism of M1 over M2. We have the same challenges. I always have to keep my anger in check, too. It sucks because it just reinforces an adoptee’s feeling of not being loved or wanted by her birth family.

    Prayers for Grandma, you and your girls.

  3. You were absolutely right to tell them the truth. You are the most stable person they’ve ever had in their lives. It takes a certain person to aid a stranger through the acceptance of death.

    With that said I am PISSED about M2. What the hell? Did I miss something way back in an old post? Why don’t they talk to her? Because she had a disability?!? Umm…so does M1 (emotionally speaking) and they love her. All of your girls are lovable. I am so pissed!!!!

    1. They have never really had any emotions toward her as she was never with her birth mom. She was abandoned at the hospital basically so no one ever got to know her. M1 lived at home for 4 years so they know her and many cared for her since Mom was not really able.

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