Wow Did I Mess Up!!!!!

I bow down to pray
I try to make the worse seem better
Lord, show me the way…- Lady Gaga, Million Reasons

You know when you live from moment to moment it is hard to remember that sometimes you  need to plan. Living with kids with trauma is a non stop zoo and unfortunately in the midst of all this I forgot one critical piece. I forgot the piece that is me taking care of me.

Actually forgetting is the exact problem that was brought to my attention last week and  this week by  my primary care physician, my counselor and the person monitoring my psych meds. Yes that last one is correct, my psych meds. I had a physical but could not remember what I wanted to talk to the doctor about. I went to write it down, something happened and I didn’t. I go to the doctor and can’t remember anything. Sigh frustrating but I blow it off, we all get stressed no big deal. She asks me if I am feeling better having been sick for the last 6 weeks straight and I told her yes. I was suppose to ask her something but not sure what it was. She asked when I see my counselor again and wrote it down to remind me.

I see my counselor and I cannot remember things I should know. I know I am upset and stressed out but can’t remember why or what if anything happened. I know I need to tell her something but have no idea what it is. She asks what I do remember and I start crying…nothing really. She asks about my stress levels and I tell her they are high but can’t remember why. She asks when I last took my meds and I cannot remember. Gently she reminded me that this how the slope into a major depressive episode for me starts. I almost panic, I can’t slide into that area again, I have kids who need me to do things. She calls the med NP to get me in sooner.

I see the NP today to get my meds checked and she just stared at me in utter disbelief.

“Have you seen your bloodwork? Do you realize you are anemic, Vitamin D deficient and have low calcium levels? You have lost 8 pounds in two weeks! What in the heck is going on with you, this is not healthy in the least bit.”

Umm no I hadn’t noticed. I really thought the nurse was kidding when she said that my blood pressure was low, even for me. I started crying because I was so confused and disappointed in myself. I knew I had done this to myself. I knew I was to blame not the kids. She then leveled me with facts

“ANYM you are not taking your vitamins, your anti-depressants or sleep meds do you even know when you took any of them last? You are making sure the kids are all taken care of but then somewhere in the picture you disappear and that can’t happen.”

It hits me then how much trouble I am actually in. I have been so focused on all the kid insanity that “all the danger signs” were overlooked. I had pneumonia, then bronchitis, then a sinus infection all in a row. Nope never took it as a wake up call I am running myself ragged. I  have collapsed into bed exhausted every night and yet when I wake up it feels like I haven’t ever slept…hello another warning sign missed. My stomach has been an acid knot for almost two weeks…yah I really needed to connect those dots.

OK OK I got it, well all right I also got a stern lecture which I did in fact earn. I need to be sure that I take all meds when I need to. I need to be sure that I take time out to NOT focus on kid trauma and kid related crud. I need to breathe and focus because well if I don’t take care of myself then I can’t take care of them.

I am thankful but saddened by the wake up call. My counselor told me she was not surprised but was concerned and I thanked her for connecting the dots. My primary, well she wants to see me in one month. My  med NP she wants me to call in one month. Got it put alerts on my phone and got new scripts for all the meds. I can do this. I have to focus on getting back to healthy.

One thought on “Wow Did I Mess Up!!!!!

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  1. I’m not surprised you are in survival mode. 3 teens with trauma and you’re still alive! I think depression is an appropriate response to your situation. I’m glad there are smartphones now to remember for us. Be gentle on yourself. I’m surprised you can still stand up!

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