Bruised and Scratched

I am so grateful it is Sunday. This past weekend was so awful I understood for the first time why N disrupted from so many homes. No not from mine of course but yeah it is crystal clear now.

Saturday she was playing Wii with the Littles and M1. They were having a good time until Little Man made fun of the way N said something. Well he was reprimanded but N went full force nutzo and screamed at me and told me she is not going to Monster Jam with this f*** family and it is against the law to make her do what she does not want to do. I did not reply and she continued to scream it. I took my computer and said simply “OK which penal code is it so I can be clear?” She called me a bunch of swear words I won’t bother typing and then ran out of the house. She took off toward the center of town which for the record is 3 miles away. I wait for my BFF to come over so I can track her down and M1 and I go out to look. Well we could not find her and it is getting dark. There are limited streetlights and no sidewalks. I live in the country folks.

I have to call the police and make a report. I explain she is mentally handicapped, unfamiliar with the area, wearing insufficient clothing for the weather and they send not one but two patrol cars to my house….sigh…small town they know chaos has broken out here before. Thanks M1. They take a description and we go off to search again as now it is dark. They find her at the station as she had walked herself there (thank God) and I went to retrieve her. She was lying on the floor and refused to get up and move. the police officer said to her “You have no options either you go on your own with ANYM or we bring you there ourselves. We will NOT keep you here.” N just laid there and so the officer motioned as if she was going to get her cuffs. Well that was all N needed she jumped up and was out the door. I thanked the officers and we were on our way. Two hours later and missing the pit party…grrrrr…..

This morning we slept in late because Monster Jam was late last night. When she got up N was in a pissy mood and I gave her space to get human. Drove the Littles home and back to the house we go. She asks for her $10 from her agency and I say not now. Well that is all she needed. She flew at me fists flying. She broke my napkin holder, threw items at me, kicked, punched, bit, spit, slapped and tried to run again. Nope not gonna happen. She screamed like a wild animal for about 20 minutes straight no words just gutteral screams and I sat there praying the skin wasn’t too badly broken anywhere. Again the swearing and cursing flew out and never once did I raise my voice despite the stinging, burning and sweating I had going on.

She calmed down eventually and we went grocery shopping and to get a shower curtain. N wandered off and eventually came to meet up with me at the entrance. She asked if she could get a movie and I said no. She started to yell and I looked at her and said “Hmm in public how do you suppose this will end?” I mostly meant the police would be called but she shut right up and demanded why. I quietly explained as the cashier looked on “See these bite marks on my hand, see these deep scratches in my arms they are from you. After behavior like that there  is no way I am going to let you get yourself a movie. Live with the feelings.” She argued she could earn it and I agreed saying “Sure you do the work first and I will be happy to reward you.” N was aggrevated but said nothing and I changed the topic mostly to get the cashier to stop staring at us. OK no chance she was getting a movie.

Now I am sitting here and I am thinking about how much my poor body got bruised today. I know it is a reflection of her need to be in control so she will do everything in her power to try to force me to disrupt so she controls when. I know that this is a reflection of her reaction to the many losses in her life and her being convinced I will desert her too. I mean we are going on month two, the others gave up about now. Guess what I get why. But I am mad and sore. I am mad because I wanted to hit back and could not. I wanted to scream hurtful words to her and knew I didn’t really mean them so I said nothing. I knew my rage and anger would pass if given time but in the moment I realize I am not really a Christian person on the inside.

So I am sitting. I have ice on the hand that got the most bites and Neosporin on all the scratches. I have a Khalua in milk on the table and will drink it before bed. Nope no where near perfect this weekend but ya know what I kept her safe and all in all I am not really that badly hurt. I am just angry and tired it has to unfold like this.

Oh look here is how I feel exactly. Upside down, out of the race and losing this round.


One thought on “Bruised and Scratched

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  1. Sorry to disagree but I think you won this round. You didn’t give up on N even though she tried her worst. Also, any round that ends in cocktail and a bit of quiet for mom is a win. You kept your cool. BTW I’m pretty sure being Christian on the inside isn’t about being perfect. No one is. I’m pretty sure the big guy can handle the ugly thoughts we have while doing good works. Hang in there, Mama. You are probably the most qualified mom there is for N. Or for any kid. I hope they address this at her group home or in therapy with her. You fight like a tiger to get M1 the services she needs. It makes me wonder if anyone is really fighting to get N the right medications/therapies that she needs. Hugs to you.

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