So Mad I Cried

I had to take M1 to the Nurse Practitioner today who prescribes her meds. I have concerns because she is WAY more impulsive, unable to control emotions at school and goes from zero to I am going to rip your f*** head off in 3 seconds flat. All of this misery since the meds were increased last month.

We get to the office and M1 refuses to talk except to say “Well Mom can explain it.” OK look kiddo you piss and moan that I am always running your life and yet here we are and you refuse to discuss how you are feeling and what you think is going on. Grrr of course I take a breath and relay as calmly as possible what I see and what I think. I ask M1 several times to add input and she of course says nothing. The NP asks if I am accurate and she agrees. I am not sure what else to say I mean no nothing is improved with the med increase in fact everything has gotten worse.

Then she says the sentences that reduced me to tears.

“Well it is clear you are at an impasse. There are no changes and you are saying the same things you said three months ago. So what are you doing that is different? What has the school proposed to make things differently? You can’t do the same thing and expect different results.”

OK I burst into tears which scared the crap out of M1 and our useless case manager. I had to resist the urge to shout at her because I was SOOOOOOO angry!!!!! Composing myself I said to her “Look, I agreed to increase her meds to see if it helped. I ask her every day if she has work and she lies to me. I had a meeting with all her teachers who offered her help if she would come in and use it. She refuses to talk to the teachers and get any help. I have offered to help her myself do some of the work and sometimes she will ask. I can’t make her want to do the work but what else am I supposed to do? I can’t just walk into a meeting and say hey look my kid has mental health issues preventing her from doing her work how else can we help her. It does not work that way I have no one I have no standing to change an IEP without appropriate documentation and so far no one is giving me that.”

The NP insisted there must be something more I can do. OMG the unbridled rage boiled through my veins. I think it was probably the cumulative effect of home stress, M1’s birth Mom crap, the fact the case worker was in the room and oh yeah I am just tired. I can’t even speak. I feel so judged and angry that she is making choices and I am being blamed for her lack of effort. Holy crap I am done with this nonsense. Through the rage I realize she is asking me a question “Well what about the advocate? What have they suggested?”

What advocate? I don’t have an advocate? I have nadda just me what was she talking about. So I clarified “Look it is only me, if it was not me none of the kids would have gotten anything. I advocate for them. I fight for them. Me just me there is no other people or persons involved. Seriously I am alone no one has ever helped me with this.” She looked at me stunned then asked if I wanted to be in touch with advocates or if I was just too tired at this point and didn’t care anymore. You are kidding right? You just asked me if I was too tired and have given up on M1….yeah you need a med adjustment.

I mean don’t get me wrong I am tired and so many days I do want to quit but if I give up on M1 than I am the same as every other adult in her life. I have to fight for her even when I know I cannot win and it is in her hands. I have to show her regularly that I care and will go to bat for her. As she said to me today (almost making me cry again) “Look you are the only one who has ever loved me even when I don’t deserve to be loved. You always take care of me even when I screw you over.” Well yeah hun I am your Mom and love you, well with real love that is not this crap you think is love.

I do love her I really do but I get so tired of feeling blamed for things I cannot control. Yes it might be me. I am emotional and I am worn out after 11 years but yikes… I know breathe….

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