Just Getting it All Out

Forgive me regular readers but this one is just me processing out loud because my counselor is not scheduled for this week and I just need to say it all. Thanks for your patience..

Yesterday was suppose to be my one night out a week with no kids. Where to start…ok I never gave N permission to have the DVD player, she took it earlier in the day without me being aware and in front of me handed it to M2 before I left the house. So thinking that M2 had the player and the others were watching TV I left the house for a few hours out. The sitter said N refused to give up the DVD player even when both she and M2 were telling her that I had said M2 could have it. She bent over protecting it and when M2 tried to take it from her she said “If you touch me I will fuck you up” and then jumped to her feet. M1 stepped between M2 and N concerned N was actually going to hit M2. So then N let lose and started punching mostly M2 though a few hits landed on M1. The sitter grabbed the phone to call me and N ran outside.I told her keep an eye on N but DO NOT chase her nor allow the girls to chase her. I also told the girls to stay inside. She ended up in our driveway. I of course came right home. Enroute to my house N came in and I told her to go to her room via speaker and hands free. I got home and I told the others to go to M1’s room and went down to deal with the mess.
WOW this was not for the faint hearted….yes I am fine but a bit shocked to be honest. No feelings for her DO NOT change like I said just more shocked.
I went downstairs and sat on her bed, I knew it would be awhile so I got comfortable. I told her I knew she was not sleeping and that we would have to talk about this eventually. Well then the yelling started..the girls are f*** liars, they tried to beat her up first, no one cares about her, she wants to go back to Varick. She is going to tell the police I am abusing her and make sure I get arrested so I can’t adopt her. She was going back to her real family and not going to put up with my sh** anymore. Yeah I don’t feed in, I know this is for effect. She then demands to call her Grandmother and I simply say “No it is 9pm and in this house we don’t call people after 8:30pm” Yes true statement unless arranged in advanced with the callee. She screams several times like a wild animal. I cover my ears and say nothing. The sobbing starts so I clean the room, she has barricaded herself in the closet so it is clear she wants no part of me. I clean and clean (to keep me calm honestly) and eventually I hear from the closet “I want my Mom. I miss my Mom.” Quietly but loud enough to be heard, I replied “I know you do and it sucks you are not with her I get it.” I said it about three times and eventually she came out of the closet. She crawled into her bed and laid there for several minutes while I tucked M2 in and told her she was NOT to talk to N as everyone needed to calm down a bit. I came out and tucked N in as I do every night and she apologized when I was covering her up. I simply said “This is NEVER to happen again am I clear?” She said yes and I kissed her head, wished her sweet dreams as always and came upstairs.
Ugg rough night for sure and M2 woke raring to go and started the day by screaming at me. OK OK keep my stuff together just get her out the door. N had her intake at Questar and so I diverted most of the day. Adoption people came by for a house visit and all things seemed to be calming down…..then I get the nasty gram from M1 and M2’s Mother. Why had I not given them their Christmas gifts and why did M2 not have her birthday gift yet. Well I know what this means….M1 “borrowed” another phone and is messaging her Mom on Facebook.
I confront M1 and to her credit she tells me the truth. She then read the messages to me that she had exchanged with Mom. Mom had said I was a f*** liar and that I told her that I had given the gifts to the girls. I was standing between them and her and this was bull*** and all of this other craptastic lies which of course M1 believes line and sinker. So I look at her and say “Oh did you tell your Mom that you were attempting for the three days before Christmas to run away? Did you tell her that I had to sleep in a chair outside your door for safety reasons? Did you tell her the reason I was distracted was because you had stolen expensive jewelry from me and I had reported a robbery only to have to call back and say oops it was my kid? Did that get mentioned?”  OK I suck at parenting I  was angry and lost my crap but I get so freaking aggravated with their Mom. I so desperately want to tell her the whole truth but yeah she has heart issues. Finally I took a few deep breaths and said “Look I wanted to act as a buffer between you and your Mom because you love drama and your Mom has a heart condition and I am not sure the stress of your crap would not kill her. I did it so that with time you could meet her but if you keep doing what you are doing and putting more stress on your mother and she gets even more ill how in the hell will you feel? I did it to protect you but ya know what I might just write her a letter and give her all the details you refuse to relay to her.” I stormed out and then I messaged Mom on Facebook.
OK no I am not doing any bull** and trying to come between you and your daughters. I thought I had brought the gifts down to them for Christmas when I got your message I went and looked and found my error. I then promptly gave the gifts to M2 and M1. They have them now. I made a mistake and I apologized to the girls. As for the gift to M2 it came completely demolished ripped and torn. I gave it to her today after I went and bought new stuff exactly like what you had purchased and had gotten destroyed so that she would have an intact gift from you. Yes she did like it. ( I also enclosed photos to prove my story was accurate)
I am so angry and I want to write her and tell her all about M1 and her stinking antics. Part of me thinks it would be good for her to know the truth another part worries it might kill her. OMG so much rage I have not felt in years. I was hurt and betrayed how dare she trash me after the hell her child puts me through regularly. OMG need to calm the heck down. Yikes maybe my meds need to be adjusted…sigh…I know just breathe.
Ugggg I so needed a night away now I have to wait until next week.I am the kind of tired sleep doesn’t fix. I know it will get better. I know the girls are basically good. I get that the birth mom is insecure and her negativity toward me is all her own insecurity but yikes, just yikes.
Oh and did I mention that the shower door just fell off the hinge….

3 thoughts on “Just Getting it All Out

Add yours

  1. So, my like is more of an acknowledgement. Your doing great ANYM. You are, and don’t let any twisted emotions let you think otherwise, ever. It’s a tough road to travel, but you are doing it with grace–even when you think you aren’t. Hang in there lady!

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