Keeping Old Promises

Wow I am just not even sure how to organize the latest in my brain. No worries things with N are going well and M1 and M2 well it is raising as usual. But here is where it gets complicated….

I have a friend named A. We have been friends since I was her respite worker for her 4 adopted children. Well the kids are all grown now and the oldest has kids of her own. We share a tight bond that comes from dealing with children who are reactive and often vile to you as their primary caregiver. We have helped each other along for years and I would be lost without her, truly she is a one of a kind.

On Saturday I read something on Facebook in a group I belong to. Initially it did not really strike me as odd, I mean it happens a single Mom with kids had her kids removed due to a disorganized house. OK I knew that was not the truth but I understand that it might feel that way to the Mom and hey I was not there so what the heck do I know. I did have one of the containers they were looking for that I was not using so I told the Admin that I could drop it off on Wed. I am part of the group so I can help my neighbors when I can and really for no other reason.

Suddenly on Sunday morning I felt like lightening hit me in the head. I sat up in bed, as I was sleeping and thought “Holy crap it is S, A’s daughter!!!” I doubted myself and read the post a few times. I checked S’s Facebook account, as we are friends, and she had not posted in several days (not usual). I send an email immediately to A, I explain I might be off and I might be too stressed as I was with my parents, but did S have her kids? Late Sunday night she responded, I was right, S had her kids removed. My heart sunk so down low I hurt and wanted to pack my stuff up and leave my parents immediately. I know I can’t really do that but oh did my heart hurt for her and I could not contact her because my own mother does not believe in privacy and would eavesdrop then judge…sigh…I email back and say I am coming home Monday give me a call at night.

She calls me on Monday night and tells me the whole story. OMG no it was not a just a dirty house. It was so much more and poor A is conflicted because she wants the best for the grand-kids and her daughter but those things are not exactly synced up right now. I listened for almost two hours but I listened hard, she was hurting and I was her friend. She asked if N was going well and how things were in my life and I told her all was well, the she got sort of quiet and I knew what she was remembering. You see two years ago or so I told A that if the kids came into care I would try to help. I had no extra kids at that time yet here we are an I have three kids of my own……I said to her “A we need to pray (she is religious). I want to keep my promise to you but I am not sure that CPS would even look at me because I have three of my own and I am a single parent. I want to help, I do so lets pray on this and try to trust whatever the outcome is.” She agreed and totally understood.

Court today for them was at 2pm. I hear nothing all day and assumed that nothing more was to come. Later that afternoon A tells me that she was meeting with the lawyer….OK there is nothing good about that..nothing good at all. About 2 hours later I get a message that the kids will remain in care and CPS has my information. My heart sinks I am scared that I have to care for the kids but then again I know them and it would be for the best…or would it…I know let go and let God. I am so bad at trusting, just because they have my info does NOT mean they will look at me. They may talk to me and decide nope so I need to trust. I desperately want to help her and yet am afraid of having so many  kids, I mean I know I can do it but is this really the plan…..I guess I sit and wait.

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