Last year at this time I had just been visited by CPS for what would end up being the worst year I have survived in the states. I had the Littles and was transitioning them home. I was visiting N and making plans to move her in. Somewhere in the midst of all the happiness and worry, the world fell apart. Completely and totally apart. I spent the next few months trying to function, trying to prove I did nothing wrong and trying so hard not just give everything up.
It is one year ago. Last night I had my Mom up for a concert. For her birthday I got her Celtic Thunder tickets and last night was the performance. They are sooooo good I love hearing them.
Desperado, oh, you ain’t gettin’ no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they’re drivin’ you home
And freedom, oh freedom, well that’s just some people talkin’
Your prison is walking through this world all alone
Don’t your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won’t snow and the sun won’t shine
It’s hard to tell the night time from the day
You’re losin’ all your highs and lows;
Ain’t it funny how the feeling goes away?
I almost cried when they sang this song. Every time I hear it I feel like it is my theme song. Uggg I know I am not alone I have wonderful friends and a supportive church. But the feelings, well for now they are gone. 106 days after the last hearing I don’t know anything more than I did on May 10th. No correspondence, no idea and so much fear I just shut it down. I don’t have feelings right now, they have gone away so I can function every day at work and at home. The voice in my head keeps saying “what if you are found guilty” Yeah sometimes I don’t sleep as a result.
It was a great concert and I loved it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When we came out it was like a brick wall hit me and my life and its millions of shattered pieces all came back. No it did not help that my Mom, was reminding me that it wasn’t really my place to do much (for the Little’s). I am after all not their parent and maybe I should just focus on my two. Grrr musn’t lash out, must keep my big old mouth shut.
Yep one year later and both of the Littles parents have relapsed. Grandfather is full time caregiver and showing signs of stress. No Mom I don’t have a role in this and yet here I am helping out a family that I am afraid might fail. At some point I actually said “Mom please stop it isn’t your place.” but hated that I said it out loud. Gad I don’t need anyone doubting me right now, I am doing that enough myself. I know I know she loves me and is worried about me. I know it is parental concern but come on, at some point you need to have faith that I know what I am doing.
All right refocus, sing the happy song instead: