Three weeks go the intern that M1 was seeing announced we had one visit left before she was going. Yep one week notice and no there is not a back up plan we will have to wait for someone else to be hired. There are two therapists full time one of which threw me into CPS so nope not going to see her and the intern’s supervisor, who seems nice but really you knew this day was coming and had no plan in place.
Breathe, think Christian thoughts, breathe.
Last week Probation called, they are ending diversion for M1 as well because all the cited behaviors “have stopped”. I call and speak to C and say “No they have not she stole from me last week, she sexted back in January with a “borrowed” phone. No it has not stopped. She just lost her therapist last week and we have no one as a replacement. Can we please wait a month. Just one month?” It was clear she was not listening and even though she said she would close the case on Friday she decided to do it on Tuesday right after talking to me. Well that agency gave me 6 days notice we are on a roll.
Home therapists call and say “Hey we are done since C closed your PINS diversion. Sorry nothing we can do. No diversion no home therapy.” I get it intellectually but what about M1 all her supports just got yanked out from under her. Are you freaking kidding me, everything is gone!!!!!! Oh and I get to tell M1 this because the probation officer closed the case BEFORE you all had a chance to see her. Are you freaking kidding me?!?!?!?!?!
They call a close out meeting with me today and yes M1 is present. You all can tell her what the heck you are doing and you can explain the craptastic situation you now leave us in. The worker from the agency where we get counseling could not nail down a date for a new therapist and maybe we could get another intern at sometime but no dates. I am fuming and of course you can see it by the look on my face. OK so you are giving me another intern knowing my kid won’t open up until April and then we will be back here in May with not a damn thing solved. I have to focus on my breathing to keep myself civil.
They ask if I have any other concerns and quite bitterly I say “Well what difference does it make you all just dumped me so it really does not matter if I have concerns you all just bailed.” The counseling agency said “Well you still have me” and I stared at her and said “Umm no we don’t you won’t coordinate for services they suggested and you have let three weeks pass without knowing when or if another therapist will be available.” In her usual patronizing tone she said to me “Oh now come on we are still a support.” I look away I have to keep my big ole stinking mouth shut.
The counseling agency person leaves and the two home therapists lag behind. They look at M1 and I with tears in their eyes. They apologize profusely at the entire mess which the system left me in. They tell me if I need resources to check in with them and remind us that as a family we really are doing all right but it is just hard. M1 walks away I don’t blame her or call her back. I have a word for this it is not professional. One of the therapists says “OK S is gone, what are you really going to do?’ I looked at her and said “If my name gets cleared I am leaving the agency. They are nothing but unprofessional and I can’t stand interacting with them anymore. Unfortunately right now I am stuck, my lawyer argued yesterday I was in compliance with the agency so I cannot afford to mess that up right now.” They both nodded and thought that was a good idea. They also reminded me to give notice to the agency first so that they cannot come back and report me yet again.
They all leave and I slump into a chair. OK I get it I am her only victim so compared to others who are stealing from the community no she is not a problem. But what about my rights as a citizen? I gave those up because she is my daughter. I don’t have protections from the thefts, the assaults the legal fall out from her lies? When did I trade in my citizen papers to be a parent. There is something gravely wrong here. They tell me I need counseling…um yeah I am repeatedly victimized by my own child and there is no ramifications because it is “not that much”. It is to me but apparently in the system’s eyes I do not actually matter. The military told me that a bunch of times too in the combat zone when I was being used for bait. The difference is that they looked me in the eye and said I was expendable. Yep right to my face they said that…not like these guys.
The same cold steely feeling came across me as it did then, ok no chance this time I would die but hey you still don’t matter. I fight hard the urge to cry. Now don’t get me wrong I can intellectualize myself out of the not mattering thing, it’s just the emotions are no where near there yet. When you spend a life time being told you don’t matter emotions run a lot deeper then your ability to see logically that they are wrong and yes I do matter.
Focus on the positive, it has been a year since M1 has tried to assault me. While she has stolen food, she has left my money alone. Everyday is not a war zone now and we can both speak to each other about emotions sometimes. She sometimes confides in me, she sometimes lets me help her, she sometimes snuggles but wants nothing in return. Sometimes is not a lot but before it was never so I am going to count it.
I am so incredibly tired right now. So very very tired.