OK so today by no chance, completely planned I had a meeting with my counselor. She asked me how the trial went and I relayed pretty much what you all know. Then she asked me the million dollar question “So how are you feeling?”
Ummm angry, frustrated, enraged, upset, vengeful, despairing and tired, so incredibly tired. Yes I could say the words no I could not experience the emotion. I am so numb from the whole ordeal I have almost forgotten what the grief feels like, instead I am consumed by so many negative emotions that I am pretty sure this is my coping mechanism. I can tell you the words for the feelings it is not safe to feel the feelings yet. I am grieving when it boils down to it, I have experienced a ton of loss these past few months and since the sadness consumed me I replaced it so I can function. What I want to do is cry like there is no tomorrow but I cannot because it is not safe and I am not sure I will not fall back down into the blackness of the depression that had a hold on me for so many months.
She changes her line of questioning, she gets that I am not there yet and don’t feel safe that I can be all right experiencing these emotions. She gives me space and credit for at least identifying the emotions boiling inside of me. She asks about N and sadness creeps in. Yes I have talked to her worker, yes her worker did remind me that I would need to be re-certified through an agency not private as DSS has custody. I can’t go back to DSS in my county, I acknowledge the rage I felt and cannot make myself be civil, I lack the desire as I am too angry. Way to freaking angry.
She laughed at me and reminded me she has an agency that she can go through but would DSS accept it as it is private? Well I did not know so I sent off a question to N’s worker and asked. She said yes but instead lets focus on ensuring you get cleared. I know I know no point in holding out or making plans when there is a chance I won’t get cleared. Egad I hated that thought but she was right, I could not get exonerated. She can’t hold N for me so if things come before me then it is over and there is nothing I can do. N deserves a good home, I am saddened to think it might not be mine but I can’t make time advance.
My counselor told me to stay focused on the fact I am not a bad parent and not what CPS made me out to be. She reminded me that one person should not have the power to change what I know to be the truth and that my attorney will bring the truth out. She also reminded me that no it was not a good idea to go back to DSS, not after all this time and the mess they created.
I want to quit as I struggle not to focus on the possibility it might not work out. I cannot change what the future holds, I guess I need to pray for grace too so that regardless I make it out in one piece.