Finding Rainbows

Today  I went to counseling with my counselor who has been out of the office for the last three weeks. I was happy to see her as she is really sweet and been great at providing support during these last few months of hell.

I updated her on the antics of M1 and she as always supportive. She commended me on the diagramming of her latest drama and showing her how even when she does what she thinks is best she still ends up feeling bad. She said I must have combined several hours of therapy into one and never once lectured just pointed out facts as she described them. OK pseudo victory we still don’t know if it will stick.

She asked about my trial and I told her the date and the updates from my lawyer (whom she also knows). She asked if my attorney was confident and I relayed that she was but my complete mistrust in the system does not make me confident. She understood but encouraged me to trust in my attorney as she has not lied to me. Well no she does not lie to me but I am convinced the system will screw her over too. Why yes I am a confirmed pessimist why?

Well then my counselor said “Once you are cleared what are you going to do? Are you going to pursue N?” I told her I would but was torn, the thought of going back to DSS repulsed me to no end and going to a new agency would mean a start over which wastes time. She looked curiously at me and said “Ok what about doing a private adoption through (my attorney) and an independent home study?” I must have looked confused and reminded her that I have no home study remember I was dropped. She laughed out loud and said “Umm I do adoption home studies. Remember when you first designed our website?”

OK in my defense I designed that for her over 10 years ago and I was not sure she still did it. She looked at me earnestly and said “Look I have no issues with you trying to adopt. I know you and your family. I have a really good feel for your resources, strengths and needs. I would not have a problem doing this and working with (my attorney) if needed.”

I almost cried, literally. It was NOT an answer I even knew existed but I did trust her and I know she would be fair and that even with the needs she would work them out with me in our sessions or direct me to resources if needed.

You can say it was coincidence but I am sure it was not.You see last year my friend died around this date and while I have never really talked about it I could not help but wonder if she played a role. You see my trial date would have been her 78th birthday and we were very close and yes she was deeply deeply religious so I do trust she is keeping an eye out for me by offering me a rainbow in the midst of this storm.

Thanks Elza I miss you every day.


2 thoughts on “Finding Rainbows

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  1. I am choking back tears thinking about N right now. I really hope you and your family are able to move past all this. I have been wondering about N but I didn’t want to ask in the comments. You deserve happiness. So does N and so does your family. If the system wins it’s almost like trauma is winning. M1’s trauma controls the situation and no one else is able to move on. I am praying for a big victory for all of you!!

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