OK know I am venting and will never in a million years send this to her nor will I EVER say any of the content out loud as she is my child and despite it all I love her.
Today the song from Pink is blaring in my head
Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say. Sometimes I want to slap you in your whole face. There’s no one quite like you, you push all my buttons but I know life would suck without you. But at the same time I want to love you I want to wrap my hand around your neck. Your a b**** girl but I love you and it makes me so mad I ask myself why am I still here, where should I go….
I spent an hour and an half on Monday talking to you about how to handle a situation. I gave you options, talked you through what you thought were options and then you went to bed. On Tuesday you woke up and when I asked why you did not eat the breakfast I made knowing it was your favorite you screamed at me that I was a f*** b**** and that you hated me. I bit my tongue but guess what kiddo you were none too love-able yourself. I am pissed you are not grateful for my small gestures (my Mom never made me breakfast at your age), I am pissed that you are cursing at me at 6:35am. I am tired soooooo incredibly tired of being your mother there is not even a way to quantify it. I want to quit. I want to give up. I just hate knowing every day that the mother daughter relationship I hoped would happen probably never will. Its not my fault my brain screams why are you taking it out on me
I say nothing you are a teen you have hormones, you have rage, you have a violent past. I have a headache from keeping my personal rage at you silenced. You storm out the door and I had to resist the urge to scream obscenities at you when you pass. I am better than this, I tell myself. I don’t feel better than this. I blast my favorite song on my phone on the way to work and sing at the top of my lungs (Pompeii by Bastille)
I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
And the walls kept tumbling down
In the city that we love
Great clouds roll over the hills
Bringing darkness from above
But if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
Nothing changed at all?
And if you close your eyes,
Does it almost feel like
You’ve been here before?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
You have single handedly crumbled my world child. The walls are crumbling down in the city that I loved and right now I am truly not sure how I can be an optimist. I had never in all of my years of life had to deal with the police for a crime I committed. I never once got suspended, never once got detention, never spent time on PINS and never ever in a million years told my mother I hate you as much as you have this last week. IN MY ENTIRE 47 YEARS I HAVE NEVER OUT LOUD TOLD MY MOM I HATED HER. Now did I want to yes but she would beat the crap out of me because she was bigger and with you I do not have that privileged, you are taller and I am only stronger. BUT I am better than that which is why you walked out the door after spilling venom and I NEVER raised a hand.
Then I got the call at school about how you blew off everything I said to you.I found out how you got everyone to fight and that you got swung at. Being honest I was not sorry you got hit, yes it was wrong but was I sorry? No not honestly. I told you last week, technically 5 days ago that if you hang out with people who use violence to solve problems it is only a matter of time before you got your butt seriously kicked. I can’t say out loud “I told you so” but in my head I am screaming it BUT I am better than that. I kept it in and my head pounds from the rage and frustration you have caused today.
I pick you up and you are so incredibly rude I cannot believe it.I ask to see where you got hit and you tell me to f*** off. Ok you know what I hope it hurts, I really do and the reason I want it to hurt is because you are hurting me. I am trying to show compassion and caring and you are being a world class….well never mind I am better than that. My teeth are clenched don’t say a freaking word you are better than this….my headache rages.
We come home and I try again to engage you and you rage against me. They are wrong they are being mean, they are being stupid. All right sweet heart you did do something, you caused a fight and you are guilty. I choke back my frustration at you because you are being stupid and being pig headed. You storm off to your room and quite frankly I am glad you are gone. My head is so pounding right now that I cannot even move off the couch because I am in so much pain.
You come out at midnight and start your crap again. Demand to know why I am not in bed, demand to know why I am on the couch.News flash kid its my freaking house I will sleep wherever the heck I feel like it. OMG it is midnight shut up and go back to bed I AM DONE DEALING WITH YOU.
You refuse to get up today because you don’t want to go to school. Your purposely miss the bus, drag your feet getting dressed and brushing your teeth. I say no less than 10 times to move and of course you do not. I go outside to cool off, I am better than this violence will solve nothing long term, you are already in trouble with CPS is all I tell myself. You finally get in the car and the whole time you rage about how life is unfair to you and you should not be in trouble. I try to point out the regulations in school you broke and you yell at me how F**** stupid I am. I want to kick you out of the car and when you refuse to get truck I have to hold back EVERY SINGLE impulse I have to remove you from the car. I tell you to go or there will be consequences, I will yell out the window to you if you don’t leave now. You are mostly stupid and test me. You are lucky all I yelled was “Good bye pumpkin try to keep your mouth shut” You are embarrassed but I don’t care I am tired, I am angry and I was not up for Mom of the Year anyway.
I drive to work and I try to calm down. I can’t fix stupid, I can’t make you do what you need to do. Holy crap of almighty I HATE being your parent. I distract myself with work and you email me do you have to go to detention. Yes you do no choices. I call the principal and tell him you are trying to skip it he promises he will get you himself. You hate me for doing this I truly do not care. I have hated parenting you for the last few days now we are even. No I was NOT showing I am better than this but I am not sorry.
You run to the nurse first thing in the AM. You had a really bad headache all night and your Mom did nothing to help you. You can’t see because everything is so blurry and no one cares that you have a concussion. Yeah that is what the nurse said you said. I am just glad that I already talked to her about your stupid drama so she instead of getting caught up says “Well if you don’t tell your Mom there is no way she can help” You don’t have a concussion idiot you don’t even have a black eye so shut up now. You earned this from going behind people’s back and being a jerk. You deserve any headache you have. Suck it up momma say nothing out loud, you are better than this.
I pick you up and choke back every ounce of anger and frustration. I talked calmly to you about your actions, your choices and how in the end you did not even feel happy about how it played out. I used flow charts and diagrams because you are a visual learner. I talked about being a good friend and the right way to bring bad news to a friend. You flipped your hair, covered your face, sighed loudly and turned away from me. I want to punch you I am so damn angry. I walk away I am better than that. You demanded to call your boyfriend. You demanded that I let him come over. I try to talk to you again about why I am angry and how when I am angry I don’t usually give you what you want. You sigh loudly, flip your hair and roll your eyes. I am forced to walk away I want seriously to punch a wall. Well no I do not I want to punch you but I am better than this. I am in control, violence solves nothing.
I am typing I am typing to calm down so I don’t act on the impulses I have. I hear the song The Last Unicorn by the Irish Rovers and start to bawl. It was my Grandmother’s favorite song and I was her favorite kid. Grandma my life sucks right now why are you not here. I would give everything I have (except the kids) to just hear you say one more time “John, Mark, Suzanne whichever the hell one you are that knows how to make a cup of tea get going on that” No I was not any of them but she knew which one I was and that was all that mattered. Now in her final days she did not remember my name but even dealing with her final days was so much less painful than this. My Grandmother loved me and you child of mine do not and I don’t understand why. My Grandmother loved me when she hated the world, you, you just hate me.
Oh Lord I’m so forlorn. I just don’t see no unicorns…
No kiddo there are no more unicorns in my life and you are a huge part of that. You have destroyed so much of my world that I cannot even tell you tonight why I am crying because I don’t want you to destroy my memory of when I was loved and cherished for who I was because it has been years since I felt that way.
I don’t know how to get through to you. I am not sure I want to anymore. I know I have to though and I resent it. But you are in luck, I have medication prescribed to counter the spiral of despair I seem to spin into when you start spinning your crap. Will be all right, who knows. Right now you are your room and I am on the couch crying. I don’t want you to come out. I don’t want to spend time with you.
Yeah I know I am a sh**** parent and not going to win awards. I am sorry that you have to put up with me and I am sorry I have to put up with you. But I am not a quitter so here we are. I will cry myself to sleep yet again and God willing in the morning all of this will dissolve away and I will have enough energy to be your parent for another day.
I love you kiddo I do. I just have no idea how to raise you well and fear regularly I will run out of energy to continue.