So as if life is not eventful enough I decided to go to the doctor to find out what exactly was wrong with my left arm. Don’t get me wrong I sort of knew what the answer would be but remembering I am not a doctor I went to see her. My doctor looked at me when I explained what the symptoms were and then asked if I knew what was wrong. The look on her face told me the whole story and made me profoundly sad at the same time. My cervical spine has deteriorated again and I will need surgery to repair it.
I swallowed the tears when I left because for a moment the pity party train pulled in and yes I was self absorbed and feeling bad for myself. I was angry and frustrated and except that I knew that this day would come I just did not want that day to be now. I know you don’t pick your reality but holy crud do I not deserve a break?
I sat at home today and attempted to relieve the pain for a bit. As I stared at the TV the phone rang. It was an organization that I had volunteered for in the past. D was chipper on the phone and asked if I was available to mentor a “new “parent. Well shoot it has been years since I mentored anyone and really when I am at the bottom of the bottom you want me to do what? D was insistent and she said “Look you’re the only parent we have with experience in Reactive Attachment Disorder” Uggg my heart ached to know someone might be living the pain I went through how could I not help.
I call the woman and at first she is guarded. I get it she doesn’t know me she is doubting herself and wants to hide the reality she is living. Yeah hun I get it I really do so let me talk and see if you can relate. All she said initially was “OMG you do know”yes I had a feeling after all I have been dealing with this diagnosis for 10 years and you are just starting. She slowly opened up and talked about nitty gritty. I was supportive and commended what she did right and assured her that the missteps were to be expected.
Unexpectedly she started to cry and she said to me “Can I tell you about my darkest moment?” I reassured her I was here to listen if she felt comfortable enough to do it. Her words hit me hard “I was indicated on a child abuse charge.” Oh sweet mother do I relate to your emotions. The fear, the shame and the heartache, yep I can relate completely and I told her so. Her tears came hard and fast as I assured her I did not think less of her and that I was a few steps ahead and just trying to clear my name so if she wants some guidance I would help her with that as well.
Ok Ok I guess the holy high roller did have a plan but living it stinks. So we go forward with the challenges I am facing knowing that hopefully some day this will make sense. I scheduled my PT sessions to start the process of ending the pain from injuries long ago. I have another phone call to the parent next week to help her hang in there. Oh yes and prepping for M2’s 11th birthday can’t forget that.
As John Mellencamp once said
“Oh yeah they say life goes on long after the thrill of living its gone…”