OK I have been gone for a really long time so bear with me if I seem a bit scattered. I will start from where I left off and bring your current to date.
Two weeks after my last blog I was indicated in a child abuse charge. I was charged with failing to provide adequate supervision to M1 when I knew she had a long list of issues some of which are sexual in nature. I was cleared of the other 4 charges but it only takes one to end your world. In one day, 24 hours I became a child abuser, lost my foster parent license, lost my chance to adopt N and sank into a depression so horrific only medical science, my BFF and a counselor could get me functioning.
Now before you fling judgement hear me out. When I asked the reviewer why it was founded she stated “you refused to get therapy for your child when you knew she had issues then you let her be a camp counselor knowing she was a sex offender” OK if you are reeling from that statement, remember how I feel, this is MY CHILD. Oh and for the record M1 has been in counseling for the last 7 years and she was not a counselor at the day camp, she was a camper.
Although my BFF, my pastor and my Deacon don’t read this blog I owe them my life and I mean that literally. When reality hit and I sank hard and fast my BFF made regular phone calls to me to remind me that M2 would NEVER be all right if I did anything stupid. She stopped by to help cook meals and get home work done. God only knows how many boxes of tissues she handed me through all this. My pastor told my deacon and while at first I was too despondent to care, later it would be a help. Both offered support as I questioned time and time again why this was the path God had me on and why it had to be so hard. I cried for days literally until I was so physically sick my BFF forced me to the doctor.
A few weeks passed before I could do anything. My counselor held me accountable and made me take the steps I would need request a review of the findings and request a hearing to clear my name. I have no faith it will work, the system is broken, horribly broken and no I don’t believe I can win so I must go through the motions mostly to keep my BFF, my church and my counselor off my case. I met with a lawyer who did my kids adoptions and I presented her the evidence I had which included the registration to camp as my child being a camper and an email from M1’s therapist saying “She has been in therapy for 9 years with me what information do you require?” My lawyer told me I had a strong case, I just can’t believe her anymore, I can’t believe any of this will work out in my favor when so much has gone so wrong so fast.
So if you can even imagine the tension in my house. M1 acted out all over the place and started stealing and sexting again. I had to bring her to court and of course diversion was suggested. Ummm we are already on diversion what is the point it is not helping. They suggested more resources for our family but there is a wait list, of course there is. Some days were ugly in the house as I struggled to forgive my child for what she did and the situation she got our family into. I lost everything I had worked for for the last 10 years and the child that contributed to all this just called me a “f*** b**” and stormed off to her room. It was super human hard not to release all my anger and frustration on her especially when she uttered the phrase “its not fair” No you know what it isn’t fair, I am fighting to clear my name because you have a history of abusing kids, I am pretty versed in not fair.
M2 in all of this hit puberty, fan freaking tastic. Hormones wild many days she joined her sister in screaming what a b*** I am but then wanted me to snuggle her before going to sleep. I can’t reason with her and she is learning to control her emotions, life is hard all around. I give consequences as she screams “you are a G*** D*** F**** B ****” Yeah you know what I am but what is your role in all of this I am curious.
As for me a combination of medication and counseling keep me functioning each day. Most days are tolerable and I can get through without crying, some days no such luck. I go to family counseling with M1 so that we can have more not fighting days then fighting days. I went back to Tae Kwon Do so that I can take off the weight I put on secondary to the medication. I am doing better at work and they have been super nice when I have the much less frequent break downs.
The other day I saw Little Bit and got to spend 4 hours with her. She loves me to pieces and her Mom is good about allowing me regular contact with both of them as it is also clear to her that I love them and they love me too. I remain supportive and reinforce her messages to them and she so far has done a good job at staying on her feet. The future, who knows but for now they are relatively happy and regularly see me so I cannot complain.
What does 2016 hold I am not sure. Right now I am fairly broken so hopefully it will bring forgiveness and healing. Both M1 and I need healing and of course I need to forgive a lot of people. I wish I could say I am hopeful but I am not. Right now I only function and try not to feel that much because I am too emotionally fragile to deal with losing again.
But I do listen to my counselor and she told me to get back to writing so when you see her let her know I did all right?