Hoping for Rock Bottom

I will admit I am struggling badly right now. Last week I found my Kindle under M1’s mattress where she had downloaded a bunch of chat options. I read through her chats and found three separate males in which she clearly engaged in sexting. Now this is bad enough but when I looked up the two who I did not know I found they are both over age 18 (19 and 25 to be specific) which means having pictures of my child and sending pictures to my child of naked you enters a completely illegal felony type situation. We spent over 6 hours at the police station and M1 barely speaks to me now because I am pressing charges against “her friends”. Umm no dear these guys are perverts and you are desperate for attention no friendship is actually involved.

I spend most of my time in my counselors office in tears about how this life has turned out and yesterday she asked me “Are you mad at God?” She knows I am spiritual so this is not a completely off the wall question to ask. Tears flowed like a river as I struggled to put into words that no I was not angry but did not understand why this path had to be my path. I am the parent of the child most of you keep yours away from. I am the Mom of the “bad girl” who does “stupid sh**” for attention. Yes that girl is mine. Am I mad at God, well no I deserve some of this because we all have to have our trials but all of this, well I cannot figure out what I did to warrant this punishment.

My counselor then said to me “What about putting her into a residential treatment facility for a little while to get her the help she needs and get you the break you need?” Well there is no faster way to let me know I have failed as a parent then by trying to talk to me about putting my child in an RTF. No that was not her intent, yet that was how I heard it. I heard her screaming “You are a loser and a failure!!!” even though those words were never uttered, implied or probably thought by her. My kid might need an RTF because I can’t parent her or rather every blessed thing I have tried has failed. How do you want me to feel again because I was already thinking I was at rock bottom but apparently I was mistaken.

The last thing the counselor said stunned me silent and even now numbs me to think about it. “Can someone watch the girls so you can go inpatient?” OK reality check for me, this is bad if someone thinks I need to be hospitalized. I argued I needed no such nonsense and she just looked at me. OK right I got it, I am not sleeping well, I can barely function, I spend most alone time crying and so far the meds don’t help.  I can see your logic but no I do not need to go away. I can try to pull it together. Part of me knows though that I truly cannot and that scares me, it has been a LONG time since I felt like this. A really long time.

I spent all of yesterday crying to think I had to look into these options. What can I do put myself away or put my kid away. How will it help either of us? No this is NOT where I saw my life going and yes I am scared we are here. But what is the answer I just don’t know. So today I called the Rector and briefly talked to him about this situation. I asked him what do I pray for and he said strength to endure. I don’t want to endure anymore I am tired and cranky already. He said pray for wisdom and then reminded me that if I do not take care of myself I won’t be able to care for the children. I don’t want to hear that either, yes I know he is right but that does not mean I want to hear it. So I asked for prayers on my behalf and now I will try to think of how I want to ask “the guy upstairs” for the tools I so desperately need to get all of us through this.

6 thoughts on “Hoping for Rock Bottom

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  1. This all sounds so incredibly hard.
    I have no idea what is the best thing for you to do now. But, I am sure that – whatever happens now – you are not a failure of any sort. All the work you have done, and all the love you have provided, won’t have gone nowhere. Even if you need more outside help to get through the next stage of parenting, what you have achieved so far is incredible, and proof that you are a success as a parent.
    Praying for you.

  2. Oh my, hugs. I’m so sorry things just keep stretching you like this. It is hard and I know the texting thing was super scary. Ugh. So, a moment of real talk; you do need to get some rest and have some time to get your game face/swagger back. *And* that may really require that one of you take a time out. Prayer works, but sometimes the Holy Homeboy directs us to do the thing we really don’t want to do. Taking medicine can be really hard, but it can be healing. Forgive yourself, be kind to yourself. You are a good mom, deep down you know that. Setbacks don’t mean that you’ve failed, ish happens. Be kind to yourself. Pray and do something that allows you to get the strength you need. Happy to listen to you talk anytime, you can hit me up on email/chat anytime. Happy to listen, happy to pray with you. xoxoxo

  3. I always tell my children that bravery is not the absence of fear. Bravery means being afraid and facing it anyway. It is not your fault that M1 is acting out this way. It is the fault of her PAST TRAUMA. It is the fault of DCFS that they are traumatizing YOU over this. You are an awesome Mama. I hope the church can reach out to provide some help, respite, maybe even a few meals? You need understanding. You need a break. You certainly need the meds to kick in. Most of all you need to know that you are a great Mama and a great person.

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