Goodbye to the Littles

I dropped them off tonight and put on the show like I am required to do. Super supportive to the Mom and positive to the kids. How does that song go from Evita

Call in three months time and I’ll be fine, I know
Well maybe not that fine, but I’ll survive anyhow
I won’t recall the names and places of each sad occasion
But that’s no consolation here and now.
And so what happens now…

Inside I am hysterical crying in fear but I know I must do this, after all I am paid to do what we are doing tonight, reuniting children with parents. It never gets easier though and this one is hitting me particularly hard as I cannot believe it will last. M2 is not so refined she burst into tears, the loss for her too is great as she is losing her favorite playmate. I comfort her keeping my own tears quiet as I know that won’t help Mom who is crying because I am leaving and M2 who needs someone to be strong for her.

We start the drive to Utica to get halfway to N before tomorrow. It is late so the kids are asleep and I am alone with the radio as my friend. I am glad I have it to be honest, I can sing myself calmer then I feel at the moment. The first song I hear:

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You’re faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life’s been way off line
You’re falling to pieces every time
And I don’t need no carryin’ on

Because you had a bad day
You’re taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don’t know
You tell me don’t lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day

 Yeah the tears start all over again. Yes I am having a bad day. Yes I am trying to sing to turn it around. I worked at a smile and here I am driving thanks Daniel Powter I am having a Bad Day. In my head I hear a voice that is on autoplay at this point.

 “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change…..”

Over and over I say it as if I could will myself to have serenity right now. I want to let go and let God but I am a control freak. I am afraid. I love those kiddos and can’t shake the feeling that this is not going to work. I have to let it go, I have no choice I am powerless to change what will happen. I have taken as much control as I can and Mom agreed that I can have the kids for a weekend before the month is over. She said I can call on Wednesday to see how Little Man’s first day of school was. She asked if it was all right if the kids wanted to talk to me could they call. Yes, yes of course it is all right. You can call to I reassured her. There is nothing more I can do. Nothing. Angry little white boy comes on next

‘Cause I need an interventionist
To intervene between me and this monster
And save me from myself and all this conflict
‘Cause the very thing that I love’s killing me and I can’t conquer it

Thanks Eminem I do need an interventionist, I see her Wednesday maybe she can pull me up from this funk. But for now I am in the hotel with two sleeping kiddos and tears aplenty. I have to focus on the good, I have to work on what I can to make it ok for me so I do not obsess about the Little’s because I know it is not healthy for me.

…Tie a knot in the rope
Trying to hold, trying to hold
But there’s nothing to grab
So I let go…

Probably should have my therapist help me retie the knot in my rope.

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