The Stealing Never Ends.

OK so I tell M1  that Eminem is an “angry little white man” but hey she can relate to the lyrics so whatever. Well when Momma is steamed I turn to Pink. All right not as trendy as the white rapper boy but hey I am old. So today after a confrontation with M1 the song “True Love” is going through my head.

“Sometimes I hate every single stupid word you say.  Sometimes I want to slap you in your whole face. There’s no one quite like you, you push all my buttons down. I know life would suck without you..”

See M1 was caught today by me trying to steal money out of my lunch box. Mind you this is after I discovered  the $5 missing in my change box and confronted her about yesterday. So last week she stole money, today she tried to steal money and did I forget to mention the kid is on probation. Now as part of the deal I cannot lecture her only record it so I did and I will wait for the PO to call.

“At the same time I want to hug you. I want to wrap my hands around your neck. Your an A******le but I love you and it makes me so mad I ask myself why I’m still here. Where should I go? You’re the only love I’ve ever known. But I hate you. I truly hate you, so much I think it must be true love….” 

Well ok I don’t really hate my kid. I mean in the moment I did but I don’t. I get why she does it BUT it still sucks. I still am violated and she still doesn’t care. She refuses to ask. Steals if I give it to her, steals if I don’t give it to her. Steals if I try to make her earn it. Heck she steals only because she can and no other reason. , She wants it, I have it, she takes it and has for 10 long years. Now she is on a PINS petition I wonder if that will help.

Wake me up inside. Wake me up inside. Call my name and save me from the dark. Bid my blood to run. Before I come undone Save me from the nothing I’ve become.
Yep that one is way old school, but it does summarize how I feel right now. Numb to my core. I need someone to save me because in all reality am nothing to my child with RAD. She cares for me as much as she can but in reality it is not at all. She does not have the capacity to care for me it is too frightening for her to even begin to attempt. RAD is not fun, it is not something that gets better, it will be this way until I die. I want to help her she has to help herself.
But I love her dearly I do. My standard in life is to do your best and regrettably this IS the best she can love me. It makes me sad though, like today, it makes me truly sad that this is as good as it gets.

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