Ok so several times at this point we have called N to talk to her. The conversations are always brief because she has a million things to do and does not want to talk on the phone to a complete stranger. I try to be patient for when she does take the calls. Some times she is open and talks for several minutes but today she wanted nothing to do with me at all.
I know on one level it is not personal. She has walls, she needs to protect herself I get it but if she never lets me in….I know I just went off the deep end. Relationships are hard, they are harder when one party has been hurt deeply. I have to remember this and not press her and not be so concerned that it is not going well. I also have to remember she is a teen and some days M1 wants nothing to do with me so again I have to be patient and not “what if” myself to death.
I was told the progression is letters, phone calls, Skype, in person meeting. We have sent letters, we have talked on the phone. Our first Skype session was suppose to be last week, staff claims they were never told. Caseworker went nuts on them when she found out. I guess I am nervous things are going to crash based on one hiccup. I know my issue, mistakes happen the world does not always come crashing down. We will Skype on Wednesday, the worker said early this week she will pick dates to have a face to face. It is moving, not crashing I need to remember to breathe.
All I could think though all night was “what if I am not good enough for her” Gads I hate that I am so freaking insecure. I put on this front like “hey its all good” when inside I am freaking out and seeing every possible reason it could go horribly wrong. I hear myself saying what I know I should but inside I am a mess like a mini train wreck of utter insecurity. They use to tell me fake it till I make it but I am not sure I will ever be the confident person I work my butt off to portray. I wonder if chemistry has created a pill for confidence? I wonder if there is an APP for that? As we use to say in the Army “I’m FINE”
Yep that is me to a tee. I gotta reign it in though or I will burn myself out. Yes there is a chance it won’t work, there is also a chance it will. I must choose to focus my energy on the potential positive.
Now if only I could actually do that…..