Well it is official, today I found out that the Little’s Mom has an apartment and moves in on Monday. I want to be happy and part of me is, most of me is terrified, deeply terrified.
She will be in an apartment at the YWCA and part of that is good but then again, her boyfriend, the kids father cannot come in and help her. Her parents will not come help. She will be alone and for that I am scared to death. The last time Little Man was sent home she lasted 2 months before she relapsed. I can’t even voice how scared I truly am. She lasted two months with the Dad’s help now she will have nothing really unless she leaves the apartment with the kids.
I want so much to rescue and be a rescuer because that is my nature though I know it is not really helpful. I am selfish, if she fails the kids come back to me and I love them to pieces. I am conflicted I want her to succeed but doubt she can be successful and hate myself for doubting her. I feel so unchristian so tormented. I want to be at peace with this but I cannot and since I heard she was getting this apartment I have had nightmares every single night. I pray at night for peace for myself and protection of the children I am scared what will happen. No I do not think she would ever harm the kids, not in a million years, but relapse well that is what I fear the most. I can’t protect her from herself. I cannot protect the children. I feel helpless and hate that most of all.
Yes I have been doing this for 10 years and the name of the game is reunification. Yes I support reunification and to an extent with every reunion I have a little fear. I think it is natural. I have more successes with reunification then I have failures but the failure, the last one in particular, it won’t leave my mind or my emotions. I predicted it. I told them she was in no way ready. No one listened and guess what the kids are back in care. I wanted to scream “I told you so” but no one listens so why bother.
But this is different the stakes feel higher. If Mom relapses she can die. I know this, the news around here is about the heroin epidemic and how many clean people relapsed and are now dead. I don’t understand addiction and I can’t fathom the struggle all I know is that it is real. The Dad’s words still haunt me
“If you ask me to chose between my drugs and my kids, I will chose drugs and it is not because I don’t love my kids”
My ears hear it but my heart does not understand it. I don’t “get” addiction my brain does not grasp it no matter how long I have tried to understand it. Yet I do know and believe that the Mom loves her kids what I cannot understand is how that love is not strong enough to have prevented relapse. Yes she could be successful this time but the behaviors, she was kicked out of her first house, she breaks rules at this house, she breaks rules with non supervised visits with Dad. The behavior makes me wonder if things have really changed for her. If they have not changed then how can the outcome be any different. Two weeks ago she lied to my face, it wasn’t important and it didn’t matter in reality yet she chose to lie. My brother was an addict I remember the lies and the deception. I still see Mom doing it but maybe I am being judgmental. Maybe my prejudices are my barrier and I am over reacting to usual things but my mind keeps going back to the lie, she did not have to but she chose to. I struggle because what part of this is me inflating simple things make them issues and what parts are issues. I have no objective way to define this and it stinks.
The caseworker told me today “A lot of things can happen between now and June” and I know he is right. It could go right, it really could. The “issues” I have might not be real, it could be my fears,assumptions and stereotypes. It could be my own limitations causing the turmoil but everything in my body says this is a bad situation.
BUT I need to let go. I need to let God and that is the hardest part for a control freak like myself. I cannot stop his plan and yet not knowing it is tormenting me. I want success and fear failure. I alternately curse him not telling me and praying they will be safe and I can find peace.
10 years and only one other time have I struggled like this. 27 kids and 16 placements have not caused me to lose sleep like this. It is crazy making for sure so please higher powers grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and be all right with them for the kids sake.