So the Littles are with their Mom this weekend and the kids and I head off to church. The mass was the usual, the sermon was about the chasms we build in life to separate ourselves from those people who we feel are not worth our time or who scare us with their issues because they bring up hurt for us. I was thinking about that and all the other things that happened these past two weeks as I went out to coffee hour.
On the way out, the Deacon shook my hand and said “So how are you?” Suddenly tears welled up in my eyes and I shook my head. I have no idea why it hit me just then but it did and even the kids looked spooked. I couldn’t say anything and wanted to leave but he continued to hold my hand. “Why don’t you go for a healing prayer?” he suggested “Deacon S is leading them now” I shook my head no all I could think was there were others more needing and I just needed some air.
In the past two weeks:
M1 had snuck off for a romantic interlude with her love interest. The third party Mom called me to let me know.
My friend is on life support but clinically brain dead. She is being kept “alive” because her health care proxy doesn’t want to carry out her final wishes.
My other friends husband’s cancer returned.
Another friend’s father died.
My parents were kind enough to point out all my parenting fails.
My desire to adopt C is probably going to be squashed .
The Littles are due to go home soon, like in a month or so. We have been together for a year and a half.
And today when Deacon P asked how I was it dawned on me…it sucked thanks for asking. But I can’t talk about it out loud because I start to cry and I HATE having anyone see me cry over the mess my life can be. Its not their fault and I don’t want their pity. I am just sad…really really sad. It isn’t any one person’s fault and hurt is part of life. How does the psalm go “A time to hurt and a time to heal” I know I will get through it but right now I have to get through it.
So thank you Deacon P for asking. Thank you especially for approaching me several minutes later and telling me you offered a prayer anyway because obviously something was going on.
I do appreciate it even if I cannot talk to you about it right now.