Well we were officially denied today by our homefinder. Some how knowing it would happen did not lessen the blow when it finally came after waiting for over a week.
The home finder told me that “while she thinks this is a great placement” for me she thinks that me having 5 kids is too many so she will not support it. When I pointed out they were due to go home she said “If you want to pursue C when they leave I will support it BUT if Little Man and Little Bit come back into care then they will not be placed with you and I would discourage you being a supportive resource if you applied for guardianship”
I can’t tell you the number of unkind, un Christian, unpleasant thoughts that went through my head. Anger poured forth out of me with such a ferocity I had to take a quick walk to not lose my mind at the new job. I repeated “just breathe” to myself so I could hear myself saying it. Three freaking matches and all three times she REFUSES to support me. Two of those matches for the record were when I had NO FOSTER CHILDREN. I am not suppose to hate but that is the only feeling I have now toward the agency that appears to only care for their own best interest.
Right now I have to stay with them too as they own the Little’s. I could walk when they go home but then I would not get called should they come back into care. I could file for guardianship if not a foster parent for them but if she would say no in court I am not sure how hard it would be to fight the system in front of the judge. I could stay with them and know I will never get what I want which is a bigger family permanently.
I am angry angry angry and don’t know what the he** to do. There is no guarantee that the Littles will come back into care and I am expected to just hang because the woman who did not do my home study, ever talked with me personally about my strengths, needs, wants and desires is holding all the cards and power tripping for all its worth.
OK maybe this is God’s will and plan but for right now I am angry angry angry.