Voicing Real Fears

It has been four long days since I wanted to hear from my home finder. I know it wont be today as no one works but part of me fears for Tuesday. I am overly concerned about what she will do and if she will step up to the plate

The first time I asked her to step up she said nothing and when they called her she told them that I was “dealing with a lot at this time and could not recommend a placement” When I found this out several months later she said she meant that I was dealing with lead in my house and at that time she did not know I would be done in time. No she did not say that but allegedly that is what she meant. The next time was for a group of three in Ohio. I asked her to step up and she went to her Supervisor and came back saying “No it was not an appropriate match but should one come up she would step up but not this one” At least with this one she said a tentative maybe it is the first glimmer of hope.

My BFF shares my concerns. The agency unfortunately is much like a high school there are cliques and tons of back stabbing. While I am not in the “in” group I do hold the unique position of being the oldest. I was a foster Mom before anyone of them was in foster care. I am the oldest foster parent they have as in the number of years fostering. Sometimes this comes into play but many times the stupid games take lead and I am left out. I would leave them if I could but as long as I have a placement I am tied to their hip.

Each night I pray they do the right thing, realizing that what I want may not be the right thing. I pray for strength to deal with the outcomes regardless and of course I pray for C as she desperately wants a forever home. The more I learn about C the more confident I feel about parenting her and yet it might be for naught. It reminds me of a prayer someone posted on their Facebook page “Dear Lord give me patience right now”

I know I have to let go and let God but I am a control freak so it is killing me. I have to trust in God’s plan and if this was meant to be it will work out. But I am torn between my wants and “the plan” But for today there is nothing I can do. I need to sit back, enjoy the kids and not focus on the things I cannot control.


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