Well after Little Man’s adventurous two days it is probably understandable why I am a little on edge around the time where the melt downs traditionally happen. I put a plan in place at work today in case I needed to retrieve him and then waited tensely for the phone to ring.
Sure enough the phone rings and I mutter an expletive, my co counselor says “good luck” as I pick up the phone. Surprise surprise it is M1’s counselor he wants to talk to me about an “incident but try to keep it in perspective” OK you start that way and I am already at over the edge. I am a parent I am entitled to my freak outs, I earned them trying to raise the little blessing. He tells me a child in school gave M1 and her friend some Concerta and the friend told the hall monitor right away and handed over the pills. My darling told the monitor she flushed them in the toilet. Yep way ahead of you counselor in full fledged freak but keeping it quiet because I suppose there might be a chance M1 did not lie and she did flush it. It is a small chance but still a chance. I say nothing which in and of itself is a miracle and the counselor says of course you know the bigger issue and I reply “Yes of course why did she take them at all”
Thank goodness I was at work, I did not have time to fully get into the emotions involved in all of this mess. I do the workshops, counsel the customers and drive to get all the kids. I distract myself with other kid stuff reminding myself full fledged screaming will not help. Suddenly, I hear M1 telling the other kids how she help get a student suspended today. I can’t handle it two days of running on empty in the patience cup and I lose it, enter non proud parent moment.
I remind her that she actually did not help, she allegedly flushed the evidence and while I was not going to dwell on the truthfulness of that statement I did want an explanation as to why 1. You knew possession of any drugs on school property is illegal and 2. Knowing that you took custody of the drugs to do whatever with. The lies fly like there is no tomorrow and I know it because yeah she is RAD and for all nine years of living with me, the truth is nothing that seems to come out of her mouth. I relay I am beyond shocked at her lack of judgement and point out how I cannot be expected to trust her when in a situation where there is a clear right and wrong she chose to do the wrong thing. Now yes I did admit that IF she did flush them it was better then taking them or worse distributing them BUT I had no proof that she did in fact flush them. Again I return to why touch them at all, why not immediately going to the teacher OR walking away which were both options. OK she didn’t want to get her friend in trouble, how would she be in less trouble they found it on her OR why not walk away. Of course, there are no answers.
I walk away I need to chill I am furious and need to be in control. I finish dinner and say not much else remembering to breath and yes given what could have happened this truly WAS NOT the worst and truthfully I did actually believe she flushed them, but I have been fooled before. I try to think of something else when I remember, she got in trouble at Resource Room so I ask her about that. Without blinking she launched into a story of sunshine, roses and unicorns so I asked why the teacher had a different report. Her answer “The teacher is lying” Ummm yeah not buying it and ask again what happened, a slightly different story this time but a still teacher is a liar. I go to the computer and say I will relay her information to the teacher and she says
“Well can I read what you wrote before you send it so I can make sure that you are saying what I really said?”
Holy sweet mother of the apocalypse did she just accuse me of lying? After all the lies I just endured and the complete lack of judgement she is questioning me. I lose it, I did not mean to but it happened, the Mommy melt down from Hades. When it dawns on me I am yelling I back away quickly, I know I have a temper I need to be in control, I am struggling HARD. I pace back and forth attempting to calm myself down as I ask over and over “Where do you have the audacity to question my truthfulness?” I show her the email it is written verbatim and she agrees it is exactly her words. I hit send and head to the bathroom, I am beyond enraged and need to get a grip. Quick prayer “Please God I am out of control help me reign it in” I splash water on my face and take a deep breath. I tell M1 to stay clear of me for the night there are no words to express my rage with her right now. She complies and heads to her room.
I am a complete parent failure tonight. I did so much wrong that I am embarrassed for myself. I tuck the remaining kids in and apologize for the yelling. I lost my temper, it was not ok, I need to be in better control. The kids are sympathetic and give extra lovies reassuring me I am still a good Mom. Uggg thanks kids but not feeling that right now.
Holy Christmas the parenting this is SO FREAKING HARD!!!!