Gramma J speaks

I know I don’t ever really mention my parents and the reason why is not really sinister but instead a weird thing called a dynamic. I am the oldest of J and J’s children and the only one not married. My parents strongly feel that my life “would be fine if it is someone else but because it is yours, you life is ruined” Now hold off on the hating, my parents have struggled long and hard to understand what the heck drives me to do anything and come up empty. I don’t act like the others, think like the others and they can’t possibly love my kids any more but as M1 will tell you “Yeah Gramma J thinks Mom can’t think for herself”

So consequently I don’t tell them much, there is no point they don’t understand and are usually non supportive when I do. I forgot….ok maybe I didn’t forget….but I did not mention the thought of adopting other kids to them. Today was the day I get confronted about this and so yep time to answer. No I don’t lie just speak openly knowing that it will be met with serious judgement and significantly stereotyped. I clarify all her questions and then she pauses. I give her a second because I know she is trying to understand though it will be a futile effort. After what seemed like an eternity she finally says to me

“Honey about these kids. Are they going back? Would you be adopting them?”

I clarify the goal is to return to the parent in the spring and again there is a pause.  I am not sure what to think at this point. Where did she want to go from here? Uggg so stressful to talk to them I swear.

“Honey I want you to answer me directly and not use that language that you do when you talk with the workers. I want you to answer me directly, what are the chances you will actually end up adopting these two and be honest with me.”

I tell her that honestly I did not know. The worker was here on Thursday and he didn’t sound confident about the return to parent plan. When closer questioned he stated that “this is her pattern, get it together then fall apart. Nothing has changed, it is going this way again” I saw the look of defeat on his face and realized that we were helpless because we must watch her potentially fail again before anyone can step in and do something. My mom sighed heavily and I asked what was up.

“Sweetie I was just looking through the old photographs of all the kids you have had. You have had a lot of them (umm yep 27). But when I looked at these kids it suddenly hit me these are your kids. I mean it honey I really truly feel like these are your kids. I have a really really strong feeling that these are the kids you were meant to adopt. It just seems they are more then family, more so then the others did.”

I assured her that it was not outside of the realm of reality and she made me promise to take them if they came into care again. I was shocked, why on earth would my Mom want me to  adopt them. She never supports me on these things so now the silence was on my end. My Mom broke the silence:

“Honey please stay in contact with the family. I am sure these are your kids.”

I told her it was the plan and she said she would pray for it. I cautioned her and asked that instead she pray for the best interest of the children, not that they come to me as that might not be the best plan. She agreed with my thoughts.

I felt guilty but my heart skipped a beat and I thought dare I hope for this? Yuck I feel like a rotten foster parent right now…..

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