So before I had the kids I was studying Tae Kwon Do at a local school. I loved it and had a great time during class and competitions. I was fairly good too and my specialty was breaking and I often won the competition for my age class. All was good and I was progressing and then I went to war.
When I returned home I was struggling with a ton of PTSD issues but tried to continue. I put M1 in it too in hopes of controlling her behavior and it failed miserably. After a few short months the Master kicked her out because she was violent and not following directions. She was indifferent about being kicked out and sat and watched me as I took classes. The struggle got worse and shortly after my black belt test the anxiety when I went to the class was too much for me to handle. I focused on therapy and dropped the Tae Kwon Do.
Eight years passed and I gained a ton of weight and didn’t care. Then I started to care and thought about joining again. The kids were bigger I could do it now but anxiety grabbed me by the throat so I did not continue. I was terrified and could not force myself to do it. Last week we past one of the schools and M1 asked me about it. I didn’t know what to say how could I explain that I was violently abused during the war and could not even face someone in authority because my primary abuser was my supervisor. I could not tell her I am not there yet so I asked why it mattered.
“Mom you were so good. You won every breaking competition you were ever in and have an attic full of trophies!!!”
Yeah I did but crap hon I am scared. M2 gets in on it and says that it would be cool to do it again and she wants to see me do it. I laugh and say I will think about it and both kids seem appeased. Today we drove past again and the kids asked what I was going to do I said that if we did it as a family then I would go again. Both girls shouted out excitedly “Do it Do it”
I walk in and fear grabs me around the throat. I am terrified and almost walk out. M2 looks at me and asks what is up and I tell her this makes me nervous. She thinks I am joking till she sees the terror on my face. She takes my arm and says “Mom it’s ok nothing is going to happen here” I swallow my fear and with my heart racing I see the Master approach. I pray silently I don’t actually throw up or pass out before he gets to me.
The Master invites the girls to sit and watch while he talks to me. He stares at me a minute and says “You look familiar. You use to be a black belt weren’t you?” My heart sinks and I admit that I was but that at this point I was NO WHERE near there and did not think it was appropriate to refer to myself in that way. We talk awhile more as I explain what happened with M1 and how she has changed now so it might be good. Then I had to try to explain about M2 and how even though she appeared “usual” she was “challenged” and that I would help her out and work with her but that she had “limits” and I really needed for those to be respected in order for her to function best. I felt awkward and uncomfortable but the Master looked kindly at me and said:
“You will work with your daughter to help her. You will stay with her in class and train her if she needs a break she will have it. You were a black belt and you can teach her besides we have not enough teachers so you can help. I will keep you together on Tuesdays and Thursdays, on Mondays you come by yourself. The Black Belt class is Mondays.”
I state the M2 is not a teen and the class is for teens, he smiles and says it is more important to keep the family together. I thank him and say that I would need to defer on the Black Belt class. The Master smiled and said that I can do it, it will just take time. I offer I am ok to start again and he laughs saying “No you have already done this, you need to go on from here” I don’t say a word because I am not sure what to say and he asks me why did I quit before. I look at him uncomfortably and say:
“It was not the Master, he was good to me I struggled with some personal issues. I could not continue. Sometimes I still struggle but I am doing better now.”
The Master put his hand on my shoulder and said “It will be ok now. You can do this as a family and I will see you on Thursday.”
I thank him and go out to the girls. They are staring intently. We watch for a minute more and then leave.
Did I mention I am scared to death to face Thursday?