Feeling Uncertain

I talked to the kids last night about changing agencies. M1 was a tad disappointed that we would not have new kids anymore but glad that we would have something more permanent. M2 was mixed she wanted new kids but wanted for ever kids. It is tough I suppose when you are use to kids coming and going to suddenly realize that won’t happen anymore.

I looked at the pre application one more time and got really nervous. I am fine saying my church, that I have fertility issues and that my kids are adopted. I just keep struggling because if I do this then there is no turning back…well all right there is….but nine years later there is no more foster kids. I am doing this for keeps….and then the panic sets in…

What do I want? How many? What background? Which state? Can I really do this? Am I really adequate enough? OMG so many questions that I can’t answer. What will the new agency think of me? Will they think I am all right or will they judge me like my old one does? Am I as inadequate as my old agency makes me out to be. I am scared and freaking out. My BFF laughs at me and is in shock I put any stock into what my old agency said. I can’ t help it has been a 9 year run…yes it is a dysfunctional relationship but honestly I have not known anything else. Maybe I am just scared of success…or maybe I am just crazy.

So I will look one more time tonight at the application then mail it tomorrow. I am terrified I am pretty sure.



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