Admitting it out loud then finding relief

OK I am going to say this out loud and I know I am wrong. You can judge me and hate on me but I finally said out loud to my BFF

“I don’t really want Little Man and Little Bit to go back with Mom”

All right bring on the hate, yes I realize that as a FOSTER parent I am not allowed to say that and MUST work at re-unification but last night after being up most of it I finally admitted out loud to my BFF via email what is going on in my head. I am totally torn about this for a lot of reasons, mostly because I know and believe that reunification should occur when parents have made the necessary changes. Yes the kids Mom has made many changes and appears to be on the right track. Yes the kids deserve to be with her and they love her to pieces. Yet in my head all I can really hear is BUT…..

I guess I realized last night I am secretly hoping she fails soon and before you think worse of me I was hoping it happened BEFORE the kids were back. I hope that IF she is not going to make it she does it BEFORE they are back with her and have to go through the whole removal again. BUT for right now she is doing well and I am apparently reading between the lines and this is wrong. Apparently I am reading too much on her off behavior at the pick ups these last two weeks and I am over concerned that each Saturday she takes them she goes to her Mom’s so the kids can watch movies and play video games.  I guess I am seeing these non issues as issues because I am hoping she fails and for that I am completely wrong.

I can say honestly I am terrified for the kids. Little Man is a handful and yesterday after giving Mom the run down of his latest antics she seemed tired and like she thought if they were with her all this would disappear. She stated she can’t talk to Dad because he gets so upset when Little Man is pulling his nonsense. She stated she could not talk to too many people about this  and I worry about what happens when she has to do this on her own. I try to tell myself I am over thinking this whole thing and reading too much into it. I tell myself I am only seeing negative because of my selfish wish to keep the kids. I can’t shake the feeling something is wrong.

Little Man has been in care before and been in the rehab house Mom was just kicked out of three times already (he is 5). I am not sure what he can take and would it happen again. Little Bit was all stressed out when she first came to me, what would another placement do to her? Mom has a history of doing well in treatment then failing a few months after the kids go to live with her. If I stayed with my agency then I might have another placement should they come back and they would not come to me. If I stayed with the agency…..

I am at odds with my agency at the moment. I admit I am a small petty person at times and again I know it is wrong to remain upset about something that was said weeks ago in a training class when the home finder said out loud to prospective parents “We don’t owe you any information on the children once they are returned to their parent. Once they have left your care you have served your purpose so we owe you nothing” Sure it is the truth but did you have to say it in such a callous way? It screamed at me that they actually don’t care but again I tell myself I am being over sensitive. But then there was this week….last week I asked of overnights were going to happen at Gramma’s as Mom had said in a note to me. I was told no, but then last night Mom tells Little Man starting next week they are doing overnights at Mom’s. When I asked I was told that JUST this morning it was brought up as a maybe. Funny did I not ask this last week and get told no?

I can go to a new agency. If I do and go adoptive only I will actually have someone to advocate for what I want. I have someone who will NOT judge me on the one disruption I had in 9 years of foster parenting. But if I go and Little Man and Little Bit come back into care than I cannot be an option as I have left and since my current agency often resembles a high school clique, I have faith I would not be called. I want to adopt though and this would be my best option.

So I am torn and miserable. I feel like a foster parent failure because I have reservations. I desperately want to leave my agency but what if they come back? Of course they might not. I voiced all this to my BFF and told her how like crud I felt for feeling all this garbage and her response was simple…

“When they leave go to the new agency to get what you want for once. Continue to work with Mom and Dad and offer services like you did to M1’s Mom prior to her coming into care, you know respite and the like. Tell the family you will be  a resource. If you find out they came into care because they tell you or maybe you can have the Day care tell you, then file for guardianship. Remember anyone can file for guardianship (once kids are in care) and wouldn’t the parents rather it be you who they know and like then some other foster family? Look for less kids to adopt so that if you had to take them all you would have room”

I almost cried when I read her words. I can’t believe I totally forgot about the guardianship thing and YES that is how it works. It almost seems feasible and gave me a moment of hope in the midst of all the craziness. Of course I am still horrible for not really wanting to reunify but at least I can sleep tonight knowing that even if it all goes as it has before I can still play a role.

One thought on “Admitting it out loud then finding relief

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  1. I think it’s good/healthy that you admit your hearts desire. I understand the messy emotions that surround what you want and hope is best for the kids. I can only imagine, but I would think many fosters have moments like this. It’s ok. It really is.

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